Who did it?

This post is also available in: Español (Spanish)

Finger-pointing is a terrible disease that affects all human beings now and then (although some cases are extreme, and those people never recover from this terrible disorder). I believe the root of this issue is simply a bad combination of ego and victimization. It’s easier to blame everyone and everything else for the annoying or bitter situations we encounter in life than to accept accountability.

 

I got an interesting request a few weeks ago as a DM on my IG account. Someone who was brave enough to write to me (but not brave enough to show their real identity) asked me to write a post explaining how I DESTROYED a marriage. So here I am. I decided to explain to all of you how I brought a marriage to an end. So, sit comfy and get the popcorn ready because I’m going to be explicit here.

 

Four years ago, I was drowning, emotionally. Crying was one of my daily tasks, as regular and frequent as brushing my teeth. I was in the middle of an internal battle. I had to decide if I wanted to keep forgiving behaviors that were causing me a great deal of emotional pain or simply divert that pain to a different path. Divorce is painful. I know that because I’ve been there. But staying in a place where happiness has been completely lost is also painful. I’ve already exposed several different scenarios here that were incredibly painful during my divorce process.

 

Sometimes, I played the blame game. Yes, I did it, and I’m not ashamed to admit it because that’s a human reaction, and, well, I’m human. In the middle of my biggest crisis, I blamed my ex-husband and his behaviors.  I blamed the women with whom he cheated on me. I blamed the financial situation we were in at the moment our marriage started to fall apart. I blamed his dad for being a cheater and passing that characteristic to his son. I blamed everyone and everything but me during that time. I was convinced I was the perfect wife, and perfect people don’t break marriages. It was easier to blame everything and everyone else. By doing so, I fed my ego, and being the victim was such a great way to gain attention.

 

Well, I was driving to work one day, listening to a Tony Robbins Podcast, and he was interviewing a couple in a particular situation that made the wife felt unloved and unattended. I don’t want to give all the details of their situation here because that would overextend my post, but the bottom line was that she blamed her partner (and everyone else involved in the situation) for emotional damage she’d been dragging for years. Tony told her something like: “You need to stop blaming the world around you for the hard things you go through in life. Take responsibility for your feelings because those are yours. If he broke your heart and you let him, why do you blame him?” As soon as I heard that, I had to pull over and stop my car. When reality hits that hard, it’s normal to fall apart for a moment.

 

I cried for maybe for 10 minutes, and then I felt relieved. The rest of my commute that day was a completely honest, raw fault-check on my part. I texted my ex-husband during my lunch break and told him everything I did wrong. I told him the same way we both built a marriage, we both did things that ended it. I played the victim on multiple occasions; I failed to understand his emotional ups and downs; my ego blinded me many times when I needed to be there for him. So, yes, I DESTROYED a marriage. I’m guilty of that. I’m sorry to disappoint you if you thought I would talk about a marriage other than mine. The truth is, my marriage was the only one I’m guilty of destroying because no one has the power to break an external relationship. None of the women my ex cheated with are guilty. They just don’t have that power. My marriage was broken by the two people who built it, period. And ALL romantic relationships that end can only be broken by two people: the couple.

 

Playing the blame and victim game feels okay for a moment, but believe me when I say that making ourselves accountable for EVERYTHING we go through in life frees us. That type of freedom might be difficult to explain with words, but it’s totally worth achieving. Stop giving so much power to other people and outside influences. YOU are powerful. You get to decide who and what hurts you and who and what destroys you. Don’t give your power away. When something hurts you, work on yourself to see why that particular situation is hurting you. The only way you will heal from a bitter experience is by becoming your own best judge and friend.

 

So, to the brave person who requested that I write a post explaining how I destroyed a marriage, here you are. Thank you so much for your request. It’s always a pleasure to take the time to evaluate myself and recognize all my failures. If you were referring to a different marriage, I would suggest you contact the only two people responsible for ending that relationship: the couple. 😉

 

Better, funnier games are out there than the blame game my friends. Holding yourself accountable for EVERYTHING that happens to you is the best way to keep being powerful. The moment you transfer that power to others, you become prisoners of their actions. So free yourself and grab your power back.

 

Love,

 

Irene