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Well … I just turned 39. Yay! One more year and I’ll be 40! Yes, I totally meant it when I said ‘yay!’
I feel proud of my age. For real! I feel so different from 10 years ago. I was so scared when I turned 29 … I remember I cried the whole year. I’m not sure how many people can relate to that, but leaving the 20s was an emotional shock for me.
It’s pretty normal to reflect on our lives when we become a year older. Well, at least it’s normal for me. But this year I’ve been thinking a lot about my life 10 years ago, and I believe I now understand the reason I was so scared and frustrated when I turned 29. I didn’t understand it at that time, so I cried and blamed the numbers for my frustration.
The reason I was so frustrated back then was that I was starting from zero. I moved to this beautiful country when I was 28 years old. At 29, I was living with my mom, starting college, and working three different jobs. Please don’t misunderstand me: I’m not saying any of those things were bad. I was blessed beyond belief to have all the opportunities I had. The issue I was fighting internally was the feeling of starting over.
I saw many of my friends (the ones who were my age) getting married, having babies, and working in great places. All I could think about back then was that I was really far from all those things. At 29, I felt like I was in exactly the same situation I had been in at 19, so I felt like a failure — like I’d wasted 10 years and would enter my 30s as a loser. That was my internal battle, although I didn’t understand it in the moment. All I knew was that I didn’t want to turn 30.
Yeah … that was old Irene. (Actually, it makes more sense to call me ‘old Irene’ now, right?) 🤪 Anyway, I’m referring to my old way of thinking. I used to have huge internal battles that made me feel so frustrated because I didn’t know what was actually going on inside me. I was simply lost in unawareness. Obviously, I can’t go back and recover all the time I spent crying because I was turning 30, and I actually believe that was exactly how it needed to happen, so I can reflect about it today.
I wanted to share that with you, so you can see my birthday reflection with more clarity. I had to go through so many things between the ages of 29 and 39 that I feel like it’s been longer than a decade. Or maybe I’ve simply learned so much about myself that I’m finally able to understand some of my reactions and my internal battles from a place of love. To be completely honest with you, I feel like I only started to really know myself kind of recently. It’s actually a real pleasure to get older when you can feel yourself growing.
I remember my grandma Maria always saying, “Getting older is not just about the gray hair and wrinkles; it’s about the wisdom.” When I was 20, I didn’t understand what wisdom she was referencing. Like most people at age 20, I thought I knew everything already. I didn’t understand what else I was supposed to know if I already knew everything. Oh, the sweet 20s! How arrogant we are at that age. 😅
Getting older is a beautiful experience when we let life and God teach us our lessons. Please keep in mind that I’m far for being a wise person. All I know is that I need to keep learning … a lot! But I’m so grateful that I’ve started becoming more aware. I love the fact that I’m working on getting to know me. Being aware of my thoughts and reactions helps me be a little better human every day for me and those around me.
If you asked me, “What is the biggest lesson you’ve learned over the past 10 years?” this is what I would have for you:
The reality I live in is a reflection of the thoughts I think. My mind is not my enemy. On the contrary, it’s my most amazing tool when I learn to understand it and work with it. Awareness is the only way I can come to understand my mind. How do I become aware? I have one word for you: meditation.
Yes, the best gift and lesson I can share with you on my 39th birthday in one word is ‘meditation.’
I’m not crying this year because I’ll be 40 next year, my friends. I promise! I’m really excited to see how much I can grow in the next ten years. I’m happy because I know God is guiding me now the same way He has guided me always. I’m more than grateful for the wonderful honor I have of sharing my reflections with you all each week. I would love to hear your birthday reflections or perhaps your life reflections, so I can learn from your perspectives.
Love,
Irene
