This post is also available in: Español (Spanish)
Our minds control us in many ways when we let them. From the way we react to situations to the way we eat, everything is under our minds’ control. When we work really hard to be aware of our minds’ power, we gain a type of freedom that it’s hard to explain in words. Because it requires really hard work and dedication, not everybody is able to obtain the freedom that comes with mind control.
Are you asking yourself, “Why is mind control so important to attain? At the end of the day we are who we are, and that inevitably includes our minds, right? Why would we keep fighting against who we are?” Well, to answer these questions, let me ask you something: have you ever caught yourself saying or doing something you really didn’t mean to say or do? If your answer is yes, there’s your explanation. We are not our minds; we are the souls behind our minds. I know that sounds deep and hard to process, but it’s the truth.
I wanted to talk today about one particular thing our minds do to control our emotions: live in the past. I’ve lived there myself, and I have also seen and talked to many people who for some reason can’t bring themselves to live in the present. I get it. Like I said, I’ve done it myself because it feels safe to stay where we know the end of the story. It doesn’t even matter if it’s a good past experience or a negative one; it just feels safe to stay there because it somehow gives us a sense of certainty.
Our minds hover in the past to make us feel protected. If we know what’s happening, we have nothing to fear. For that reason, we expend a vast amount of precious time recreating memories in such a powerful way that it makes us feel like we’re living them again. However, the problem is that we don’t realize how much of our present time we’re dedicating to living in the past, and then we complain that our lives aren’t what we’d like them to be. How can we change our present lives if we keep recreating our past experiences over and over? Nothing can change if we don’t open the door to new experiences, and to open that door, we must close the one behind us.
This realization is not new to me. When I moved from Venezuela to the US ten years ago, I experienced the inevitable homesickness we get when we’re away from our roots. Homesickness is not a good feeling, but it gives us a type of comfort. I kept bringing up memories over and over—good ones and bad ones—until one day a friend of mine asked me, “Hey Irene, do you really want to stay here and build a new life?”
I said, “Yes, absolutely!”
He then said, “Well then, you need to disconnect from your past.”
I didn’t answer him, but I didn’t like his comment at all. For days, I thought about how rude and arrogant his words were. I felt offended, because at first I thought he was implying that I needed to detach from my roots, and I didn’t want that. I kept telling myself how proud I am of being Venezuelan!
A few weeks later I was attending my anatomy class, and when the professor finished the lecture he said, “OK, guys, let’s take a quiz about today’s lecture.” I felt paralyzed. I went from smiling to almost crying in one second because I realized I’d spent the whole class daydreaming about my past. I took the quiz, and obviously I didn’t get my usual A+. What???
I called my friend right after class and asked him, “When you told me the other day that I needed to disconnect from my past, were you referring to my roots or to my constant, annoying, past-tense thinking and talking?”
He laughed and told me, “There you are!”
I learned that the only way to live in the present is by actually being there. Memories are not useful if they don’t let us grow. We need to learn how to use them in ways that push us forward. I firmly believe that this practice of disconnecting from my past to actually live my present was a huge help during my divorce process. I kept in mind (most of the time) that everything we lived together was already gone. Good and bad things were just memories, and memories can only affect us if we give them that power.
We can change absolutely nothing about the past. What already happened can’t be modified in any way. Therefore, it doesn’t make sense to use our precious present time to go back to the past. Please understand that I’m not saying we should try to delete all our memories; we can’t do that anyway. All I’m saying is that we should use them in a better way. Nothing is at all wrong with remembering happy times and having a good laugh because of them. But in order to truly enjoy the present, we need to let each memory pass through our minds like a cloud in the sky. We don’t hold onto it; we just let it pass by, and then we keep going.
If you feel like your present isn’t fulfilling, and you need to go back to a time when you felt better, please keep in mind that nothing in your present will change by going back. The only way you can change your present is by working on creating new experiences and new feelings. Be grateful for all your past experiences, because they brought you where you are today, but keep moving forward. You can only work with the person you are at this very moment, and working on who you are right now will shape who you will be tomorrow.
The lesson here, my dear friends, is that we can’t change our past to make us better today. We can only change our today, to be better tomorrow.
Love,
Irene
