This post is also available in: Español (Spanish)
Relationships are defined in many ways, but one of the most meaningful manifestations of a relationship is the collection of memories you create with that special person. We have thousands of memories in our minds, and we also collect a lot of material things throughout the duration of a marriage or a relationship. When we print those cute or silly pictures or keep that special trip flight ticket (yep, I used to keep all kinds of tickets) we never think that the time may come for us to figure out what to do with those special memories.
I wanted to bring this subject up at the New Year since I know that many people like me believe in the energy and vibes of the things with which we surround ourselves. As many of you know, I was living with my mom when I got divorced. Then we decided to move to a bigger apartment together to save some money and keep each other company. But the time has come; my mom recently bought a beautiful condo for herself and moved out few weeks ago. While we were cleaning and packing, I noticed that I had my wedding photo album in my living room, exactly in the same place I had it when I was still married. (It was inside the entertainment center that I kept, and I simply forgot about it.)
I took the photo album out and stared at it for a while. I was thinking, “Why on Earth did I keep this all this time, like nothing had happened?” I wasn’t sad or angry. I was just curious to know what I should do and what would be the best way to handle the physical memories after a divorce. My mom saw me looking at the album, and she went to her room and gave me the big wedding picture she used to have in her living room. Then she asked me, “What would you like to do with this?”
I replied, “I don’t know!”
I don’t like to throw away or destroy pictures that feature me or my family. I feel like that’s not a good thing to do. That’s simply my own very personal opinion. So I decided to ask around. I know a lot of people who are divorced or separated, so I did a little empirical research on the subject. I want to share with you all the replies and ideas I got from the people I asked, so if you’re in the same situation, you can get some ideas too.
Someone who’s been divorced for many years told me that she tore apart many of the pictures right after her divorce, but she now feels bad for doing so. She told me she wouldn’t do that again if she was in the same situation because those pictures and memories were part of her life. She told me that especially when a couple has children together, those pictures have more value. Her advice was to keep them in a place where you don’t have to see them, but if children want to see old pictures of Mom and Dad, they have that option.
Another person told me that he put the pictures and everything related to his ex in the garbage. He went through a rough situation, and he said that he really didn’t need to see anything that reminded him of her. When I asked him whether he now felt bad for throwing pictures of himself in the garbage, he told me that he’s no longer the same person he was in those pictures. This statement made a lot of sense to me, since I feel like people change dramatically after divorce. Some people grow a lot and some others simply move in a different direction, but it’s true that we’re not the same. However, even though that made a lot of sense, I still don’t feel good about the idea of putting pictures of me in the garbage.
Someone else told me he burned everything he had, like pictures, gifts, letters, you name it. He told me he felt much better after doing that. To me, this idea is very extreme, but I totally respect the different ways people manage their sorrow, as long as they’re not hurting anyone. If you feel like destroying the memories will help you to get over your pain, then go for it. Again, I don’t agree with burning pictures of me, and I wouldn’t use this method, but if this action makes you feel better in every sense, then feel free to try it (unless you’re a friend or family member of mine and I’m in some of those pictures. In that case, you can send me the pictures where I appear.)
I loved the reply from one of my research assistants. She told me, “I kept them in a box, so my daughter can have those memories when she grows up.” She told me she doesn’t hate her ex. He’s actually her friend, and she doesn’t see any need to destroy or throw away the physical memories because at the end of the day they were part of her life. I love the idea of parents keeping the memories for their children. The divorce process is tough enough on those kids, so I feel like it’s a beautiful gesture to keep the memories for them. Of course, that doesn’t mean you have to keep the pictures visible. You can hide them from your own eyes but keep where the children can find them.
One person told me he would give the album to his mom or his ex-partner’s mom. He said he doesn’t like the idea of destroying pictures or putting them in the garbage, and because he and his ex didn’t have children together, he feels the best way to save the pictures and keep his vibes in great shape is to give the box to one of the in-laws. I think this is a great approach if the family stayed on good terms.
If you’re in the same situation I am of trying to figure out what to do with all those physical memories, these are a few ideas for you. From the most extreme ones to the loveliest ones, there is no right or wrong approach. You do what serves you best. At the end of the day, all our past experiences have shaped us. If you’re still hurt, and you feel like your marriage was a bad experience all around, you’ll find out one day that it was actually what you needed at the moment to become the person you are now. As Marie Kondo would say, “Never discard anything without saying thank you and goodbye.” I would add that her advice applies to material things, situations, emotions, and relationships.
Love,
Irene
