Sexual Disconnection!

This post is also available in: Español (Spanish)

I have been hesitant to write this post. The primary reason for my hesitation is the fear of being judged. We all have that fear, and many times we let it dominate us. Our society is so messed up that talking about intimacy or sexuality is still kind of weird. We can easily talk about nasty subjects like politics, crime, discrimination, and wars, but talking about something as natural as our sexuality gives us the sense that we are doing something wrong.

If you’ve been married or in a stable relationship, you know that intimacy is a hugely important factor that makes the relationship work. The majority of the time, we first connect through sex, and then we let in feelings. Yes, I said that right. That fairytale that we wait until we are completely, deeply in love to have sex is a big lie (at least 97% of the time). Our hormones make us rush into that activity, because it feels like a necessity. Then, when it is as good as we wanted it to be, we start letting our feelings grow. The next thing you know, you are not only in love with someone, but you are also addicted to the physical connection.

Those first months are great, aren’t they? It’s all so new and intense. It’s super exciting to discover sensations together, and we get to show off how talented we are in the “secret subject.” At least, that was my case. When I first started dating my ex-husband, we were unstoppable. We had a great connection, and we really enjoyed it. For years, our sex life was amazing. 

Shortly after we got married, he told me, “I hope you understand that the honeymoon sexual stage drops at some point.” I didn’t pay much attention at that moment, but when his words started to come true, I remembered them. I can’t tell you exactly how it happened. I think many factors were involved, but I can tell you that my self-esteem went to below zero for a very long time.

If you have had fertility issues, you will understand this portion. If you have not had fertility issues, great for you! You should be really thankful for that—and I’m not saying that in a mean way. When sex loses the spicy hot drive and becomes a hunt for a baby, it can be really frustrating for a couple. When your sexual life starts to be under your fertility hormones’ control instead of your “fun” hormones’ control, everything changes. Having that type of controlled sex can lead to a very stressful life. Well, at least that was one thing that happened to us. We started all excited about the baby hunt, but after three years of unsuccessful tries, our sex life changed a lot.

I asked him like a million times how we were going to fix that. I don’t care anymore if I get judged—I am a very sexual person. There, I said it. I really enjoy having a great sex life, and it’s really important to me. So, thinking that my marriage had converted into a great roommate relationship was a huge problem for me. I tried pretty much everything to get the spark back, but it wasn’t possible. It didn’t matter what we did; it was never the same. I’m pretty sure all couples have ups and downs in their sex lives, but when you get to a point where there are no more ups and it’s all downs, rejections, and disappointments, then you need to deeply evaluate the situation.

My self-esteem dropped below zero, not because of the baby hunger, but because of all the rejection I experienced from my husband. The fact that I did not feel wanted really hurt me deeply. When I found out he was cheating on me for the second time in less than three months, I felt absolutely insignificant. I have worked a lot on myself to bring back my confidence, but I went through very dark moments. That is one of the worst damages infidelity causes in my opinion. It makes terrible sense to feel like we are not enough when they (the cheaters) let someone else into their lives and their beds. Sadly, that outsider gets into our lives too, when we haven’t requested it at all.

Since I was not mentally strong at the time, I let those two situations hurt me tremendously. I felt like I was less than a woman; first, for not being able to conceive a baby, and second, because my husband did not want me in a sexual way anymore. I added “I must be super ugly” to my self-talk mutilation as the only explanation for his lack of interest. I wasted so much of my precious time thinking horrible things about myself. It was a really dark time, for sure. If you are experiencing something similar, please know that you have the power to get out of that darkness. Do not let other people’s actions to bring you down. Their actions are based on them, not on you. Don’t let them blame you for their OWN behavior. 

After a few months of meditating and reading a bunch of great self-help books, I gathered up my confidence and had an open conversation with my ex-husband about how my self-esteem had plummeted because of his constant infidelities and rejections. He explained his side, and I realized it was not me. He didn’t cheat on me because I was ugly or the sex wasn’t good. He cheated because of his own insecurities and poor judgment. Sometimes cheaters want to blame the other person, but at the end of the day we are all responsible for our own actions. Don’t let anyone criticize you for something they did. 

Today, I am really grateful things happened the way they did. It was necessary for us to have that sexual disconnection so we can now be business partners and friends without any issues. If you are not convinced yet that everything happens for a reason and that God’s plans are just perfect, hang on tight! You will find that out eventually.

So if you really enjoy a great sex life, and you were (or ARE) not getting it in your current relationship, evaluate the situation deeply. We need to direct our lives to that place where we feel complete. If sex is important to you, embrace that fact and do not let society dictate how you handle your sexuality. After all, it’s yours! 

Love,

Irene