This post is also available in: Español (Spanish)
I always say that separation is as normal as being born. What I mean by that is that separation is part of life. Think about it: the first major separation we go through is right when we are born. We spend nine months hanging with our moms, and when the time is right, we detach from that amazing union. Basically, separation is the first experience in our lives.
Is it a nice, smooth experience? Well, based on the pain moms go through and the way babies cry during the process, probably not. Is it necessary? Absolutely, yes! Can you imagine if that separation did not happen? We would not exist as individuals, and growth would not occur. It would be the weirdest thing ever!
If separation is the first experience we go through in life, why is it always so painful? Why do we not get used to it? Why do we prefer to stay in toxic environments rather than make the decision to separate ourselves from them? I might not have scientific answers for all these questions, but I will do my best to show you my point of view on this subject.
The truth is that humans not only love company, we need it. (Well the majority of us need it! I have seen special cases.) But most of us are not isolated creatures. That is the reason we are the only species in the world that is born needing help with pretty much everything from another already grown and developed human. There is a scientific reason, but since my point here is to show why separation is a difficult experience, I am not going to bring science into this. The romantic reason is that we need someone besides ourselves from the moment we get to this world.
If you reflect on this idea for a moment, you will understand that it is a matter of fulfillment. Life is so much more beautiful when we have someone with whom to share our experiences. Can you imagine winning the lottery, for example, and not having someone to share the good news with? Can you imagine getting your dream job and not having anyone to celebrate with? Happiness feels doubled when you share it. And if you flip to the opposite side of the coin, it feels so much better when you have someone to hug you when you’re sad. See? We are not isolated creatures. We are designed to be accompanied during our life journeys. That’s one of the primary reasons why separation hurts. We just don’t want to be alone. We’re not designed for that.
However, as painful as it is, separation makes us grow. It may be a difficult experience most of the time, but the purpose of separation is growth. Every single time we get to a point in life when we need to move away from someone, the primary purpose is to help us grow. When you are born, you are moved away from your mom’s body so you can start growing as an individual. When you are ready to go to college and move away from your parents’ care, you start growing as an adult. That separation may be emotionally painful at first, but it’s necessary in order for us to reach a different level in our lives.
Of course, it’s different when separation is an involuntary, natural part of life than when we have to make the decision to walk away from a relationship because we need to. The latter is more complex because our immediate reaction to the process is that we have failed at something. Many negative emotions are involved, like frustration, guilt, and the worst of all: fear.
In my personal experience, I was terrified with the idea of changing the life I knew. I fought big time to avoid the pain of separation, mainly because I felt deep fear. This means I did everything I could to save my marriage. The fear of separation was so intense for me that it took me a while to finally decide I needed to walk away. But there is a point when we realize that staying will hurt us even more, so we make the difficult decision. I think the misconception about separation in our society is so strong that it makes us stay longer than necessary in relationships that are not working anymore. I am not saying that we should not fight to save our relationships if we truly feel good in them, but sometimes our fear of separation, influenced by society’s input on the matter, lowers our self-respect and self-love to a point that we feel it’s not worth it.
My separation made me grow so much that I would not change the experience for anything in the world. Please understand that I’m not saying I don’t appreciate my marriage experience. I am beyond grateful for the years I shared with my ex-husband. I learned so much about love and life by being married. The complete experience from beginning to end made me the person I am today, and I feel amazing being who I am today.
I just wanted to give you a different perspective about separation, because I know we tend to see it as something bad. I invite you to see it as the normal process it actually is! It is the first experience we go through when we arrive in this beautiful world, and its only purpose is to make us GROW! So, if you are in the middle of a separation process, I promise you are not dying—you are just growing ☺
Love,
Irene
