This post is also available in: Español (Spanish)
We all have a story to tell. We’ve all overcome situations that for a moment we thought we would not be able to conquer, and we will continue to do so since that is life. Life is beautiful and complicated, sweet and sour, organized and messy all at the same time. We’re just dancing through it. Sometimes we can keep up with the rhythm perfectly, and other times we stumble until we get it. I love sharing my experiences, because I know how it feels to read something and realize I am not alone. It gives people a sense of relief to know that we all share similar feelings and reactions. It is so beautiful to know that at the end of the day, we are not that different from one another.
I am beyond grateful that all of you are reading my words. I do this for myself as a way to enjoy my happy place, but more importantly I do it for you, so I can help you somehow. Since I started sharing my story, I feel more grounded and humble. Little by little, I have lost the fear of being judged, and I have started to feel proud of the person I have become. I just wanted to let you know that everything you read here is written with my heart and God’s guidance, and I hope you enjoy it and somehow it helps you.
I mentioned a few posts ago, specifically the one called “But.. How do I stop the pain,” that I would someday share something I did for my ex-husband that to this point in my life I still think it is the most selfless thing I have ever done. I feel like sharing that today. So, go get some popcorn, wine, coffee, chocolate, or tequila (I don’t judge) and sit comfortably. Let me go back in time and see how it feels to write about this.
It’s not a secret, for any of you who have read my blog, that my ex-husband cheated on me multiple times. I’m pretty sure it happened more than two times, but I actually discovered only those two. It’s really hard for me to understand infidelity. I know it’s more common than we would like to accept, and I also know that you can still be a good person even when you are a cheater. That might sound crazy to you, but that’s the way I see it. It’s hard for me to understand it because I can’t process the idea of letting two (or more) people into my romantic and sexual life at the same time. Do you remember my post about multitasking? Well, I apply the same concept when I open my heart (or to be even more raw… my legs) to someone. I can only focus on one guy at a time. To be honest with you, I don’t know if we’re born with a gene that determines our tendency toward infidelity, or if it’s something we learn. All I know is that I can’t do it.
My ex-husband, on the other hand, was very fluent in that language. I say “was” because I don’t want to accuse him of something I don’t know that he’s still practicing. So I can only talk about my experiences with him in the past. This is how much I respect him as a person. The first time I discovered he was cheating on me was extremely painful. I wasn’t hurt so much by the pictures I saw as I was by the words he used to defend himself right away. He told me, “I haven’t cheated on you physically, only emotionally.” Goodness, that felt like a stab right in the heart. Of course he was cheating physically, but he meant that he let a “just for fun” type of cheating grow to a “maybe I can consider leaving my wife for you” type of relationship. They were together for more than a year, and she lived in a different town. He was driving more than two hours, pretty much every day, to see her. How do I know all this? He told me everything.
After few weeks of his begging, I decided to “forgive” him and keep our marriage going. Since she was in a different town, he started sharing his location with me 24/7, so I could actually see he was not going to that place anymore. After three months of location sharing and “his best effort to regain my trust,” I discovered that he was cheating again, with a different person. That time wasn’t as painful; I think I was expecting it. For some reason I knew he wasn’t in love with me anymore. He loved me, but he was not in love. We didn’t separate right away that second time. He asked me to give it another try, and I accepted. But I could not hold a broken marriage together for much longer. After almost a year, I asked him to move out.
It was all crazy after he moved out. He was so confused that he literally lost control. I don’t know how many women he “dated” in just a few months, but it was really bad. He lost his focus, and his actions started to affect our business. So, I called him one day and told him we really needed to talk. I let him vent. He told me how he was feeling totally out of control. I just listened and tried to understand his pain. After he finished talking, I asked him, “What is it that you really want?” He told me, “I want to be with someone, but I don’t feel like I’m with the correct person.” I knew he wanted to be with the second person he cheated on me with. He confirmed that was what he wanted, but he was not sure she would accept him after everything he’d done in the past crazy, out-of-control months. So I asked him for her phone number, and I sent her a text. I told her to please let him talk, and just like that I helped them to get back together.
All I wanted was for my good friend to get back on his feet and take control of his life. I did not let my ego to interfere with my willingness to help. And that was one of the best feelings I have ever had in my life. Helping others from our very souls with the sole intention of making others happy is one of the highest ways of feeling that God actually lives in our hearts.
Love,
Irene
