This post is also available in: Español (Spanish)
I’ve been analyzing a certain human tendency for quite some time now, but before I go any further, I think I need to clarify one thing: I’m not sure that my perception is accurate because it’s based on my own social media feed. That said, it seems like self-love is really trending lately. If you don’t have the same perception, that’s okay. You can keep reading, and I’ll explain my point.
I really like the fact that many people are heightening awareness of how important it is that we love ourselves. Actually, I consider myself a genuine example of how far we can get once we learn that in order to love others, we must first love ourselves. Self-love is definitely a human need, although it is not taught nor classified as such. In the real world, it takes a lot of effort to finally understand this need because, well, we are really focused on searching for love and happiness externally instead of internally. Again, I’m not sure if the increase I’m seeing in self-love promotion is only visible to me because I’ve cleaned up my social media feed to reflect this value, or if it really is a trending topic.
Regardless, I see progressively more people working on understanding the human need for self-love, and I keep pushing myself to do my part. When I say “do my part,” I mean that I keep learning and practicing self-love and sharing my experiences with others to help them become aware of its importance. The same way I always say that my dad advocates practicing integrity, I decided I want to advocate practicing self-love.
In order for me to become a true advocate, I need to talk about a tendency I’ve been seeing lately that I feel will create an issue if we let it grow. That tendency is a growing number of people who truly believe that selfishness is the same thing as practicing self-love. What? This perception is so wrong, but it is also so common that it actually scares me a little. I have seen many people being plain selfish and using self-love as the justification for such behavior. I have seen “famous” quotes that use the term selfish as a synonym for self-love. I have heard people say that they “need” to become selfish in order to love themselves. See, I told you that this fallacy can generate an ugly issue if we don’t work on fixing the misunderstanding immediately.
Let’s get into the basics, so we can see where the disconnection might be. The definition of “selfish” according to Merriam-Webster is: “Concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself: seeking or concentrating on one’s own advantage, pleasure, or wellbeing without regard for others.” Interestingly, “self-love” is not defined by any dictionary. (I mentioned that the concept isn’t taught or classified as a human necessity, right?) If you look it up, you will see that Wikipedia has the history of self-love, starting with when it was first promoted. Also, the Brain & Behavior Research Foundation defines self-love as: “A state of appreciation for oneself that grows from actions that support our physical, psychological, and spiritual growth.”
It may not be easy to see sharp differences between the two concepts; after all, they both imply a focus on oneself. However, in my humble opinion, when we practice self-love, we should not stop being empathetic. Obviously, we can love ourselves completely without damaging or hurting others. I totally believe that whenever love is implied, it leaves no space for inflicting pain. This is the difference I see between the two concepts. When we’re selfish, empathy doesn’t exist. Being selfish means we’ll do anything it takes to please ourselves even if that requires hurting others.
Do you still feel like it’s hard to see the difference? Okay, let’s use some examples. I have a friend who drinks alcohol pretty often and then drives. This person always says that his body deserves the happy feeling it gets when it has alcohol in it. After working hard and putting family first, drinks are a reward for him. He always says that for that little moment, he is simply putting himself first. Would you consider this behavior self-love or selfishness? I absolutely classify this habit as selfishness. He is putting other people at risk when he decides to drive drunk, and obviously he is not thinking about his family and everything they go through every time he drinks. This choice completely lacks empathy.
Self-love, on the other hand, looks different. For instance, whenever possible, I take the first four hours of each day for myself. I meditate, pray, exercise, cook my breakfast, and read. I’m very strict about this routine. Once I’m done with it, I check in with everything and everyone else around me (family, work, friends, etc.). Am I selfish? Well, really don’t think I’m hurting anyone by dedicating time to myself, especially when I wake up at 4 a.m. to be able to do it. I take care of myself in this way because it makes me a better person for others. When I help and love myself, I am more capable of helping others. See, empathy is the root motivation for this way of living.
Please don’t misunderstand me, though. I’m not saying that being selfish should be banned. Putting yourself first in some situations is a must, but extremes are always bad. If putting yourself first would cause irreversible damage to others and eventually you, then analyze the situation more deeply. If you want to buy those shoes that bring your bank account close to zero, but they’ll make you feel like a queen, go for it. But don’t call it self-love if you (and maybe your family) won’t be able to eat for the next week until you get paid again. Just use the terms correctly. Recognize when you’re being selfish and call it what it is.
Self-love never hurts anyone, my friends! Don’t use the name of this beautiful practice to cover up actions that simply don’t align with love. Real love doesn’t hurt anyone… ever!
Love,
Irene
