This post is also available in: Español (Spanish)
A few days ago, I read the news about Bill and Melinda Gates getting divorced. I usually don’t read the news, but somehow this tidbit got my attention — maybe because it’s about divorce or maybe because they’re some of the wealthiest people in the world. I’m not sure what sparked my curiosity, but I wanted to know what happened.
When I see a split like this one after 27 years of marriage and all the money in the world to pay for the best therapy available, it makes me think pretty deeply. You know how I love sharing my conclusions from those moments of serious thinking. So here we go.
Theories already abound about the reasons behind this divorce, which is pretty normal due to the high-profile characters involved. The most popular notion is that the relationship was loveless. Of course, the news outlets are enjoying this turn of events because human beings love drama and speculation, so they’re in heaven right now. Divorce is complicated enough for “normal” people; I can’t imagine how much stress it adds if you have to deal with the avid attention of pretty much the entire world.
Can you imagine the level of unhappiness they must have been experiencing to make this kind of decision even though they knew how things would unfold in the noisy (and nosy!) media? I’m not even including the craziness from the financial side of things because at that level money isn’t really an issue. They are set for lives (yes, I do mean lives — plural — because they have enough money to live extremely well for many generations). My point here is that they made a very uncomfortable decision simply because inner peace and happiness don’t have a price. I assume they preferred to go this route, knowing how stressful it would be, rather than spend one more minute in a broken relationship.
I wanted to use them as an introduction to my subject because I can’t think of a better example for my ‘ripped or unstitched’ metaphor. So, let’s dive in.
Do you have a piece of clothing that you absolutely love (or is this something that only happens to me)? In my case, I’m crazy about a particular tank top. Since the moment I got it, I loved everything about it — the color, the way it looks on me, and the way it feels on my skin. A few weeks after I got it, I took it out of the dryer and I noticed one of the sides had a little hole. I almost had a panic attack (well, maybe that sounds a little extreme, but you know what I mean). I called my mom, and she told me, “You can fix that; it just came unstitched.” So, I got out my little box with needles and thread and put into practice the ancient art of hand-sewing. Like magic, my lovely tank top looked like nothing happened, and I went back to being a happy camper. I totally forgot that hole because I’d fixed it so that it was impossible to see it had ever happened.
Then, last week I was wearing my favorite tank top and something terrible happened. I was bringing in a few bags with my groceries, and when I pushed the door with my body (because my hands were full), the tank top got stuck in the handle and ripped — a huge, horrible hole right in the middle! I was in shock! I knew that was it. I mean, even if I tried to do the same I did when it became unstitched on the side, the sewing would be visible. I didn’t want to wear it like that.
Do you see where I’m going with this? Relationships get holes all the time, simply because they’re complex. Love is the most beautiful feeling in the world, but living with another human being can add lots of stress to even the healthiest relationship. If you’ve been in a relationship before or you’re currently in one, you know exactly what I mean. Well, I see relationship issues as equivalent to my favorite tank top. Some holes we can fix. After we stitch them up, they won’t be visible and bother us any longer. But other holes will bother us even after they’re ‘fixed.’
When I had my very first argument with my ex-husband, he tried to raise his voice. I got very serious and told him I had zero tolerance for yelling. He looked at me for a moment like I was speaking a different language, and we continued arguing. He tried to raise his voice again, so I left the apartment and went for a long walk. When I came back home, he said he was really sorry, promised me he would never do it again, and kept his promise. That was a side hole that we fixed, and it was not visible anymore.
However, when a relationship gets ripped right in the front like my lovely tank top did, you have two options. You can try to fix it, knowing the sewing will always be visible to remind you about the hole, or you can choose to let it go. When my husband cheated on me the first time, I did my very best to fix that hole. But I wasn’t living a happy life … I constantly thought about that ripped hole. Then, when it happened again and again, I decided to let our marriage go. My inner peace was way more important than keeping a broken relationship.
We all have different levels of tolerance, so those holes will look and feel different depending on your own perspective. My humble advice here, for anyone going through the difficult task of fixing relationship holes, is to take a moment to analyze how you’ll feel when the hole gets repaired. If you believe it won’t bother you again, then you’re good to stay and keep working on and enjoying your relationship. If you know the hole is too big to pass unnoticed and it will bring you down every time you see it (even after you “fix” it), then you may need to think deeply about how much you value both your (and your partner’s) inner peace.
The Gates must have arrived at the point where their tank top got badly ripped, and even with all the money to get it fixed by the very best tailor in the world, they decided to let it go. My friends, if you get holes in your relationships, make sure you know the difference between ripped and unstitched before you make a permanent decision.
Love,
Irene
