This post is also available in: Español (Spanish)
Oh, come on Irene! Don’t you know that Halloween is over? Why do you have to bring up such a terrifying subject?
Let’s face it: if you’re human, you were designed to thrive under social conditions. Human connection is an extremely important part of life; the majority of us are not solitary creatures. For that reason, the word ‘loneliness’ gives many of us the creeps! We don’t like the feeling; hence we don’t like the word.
I’m not talking about being literally alone, like when you’re at home by yourself for a few hours or perhaps days. I’m talking about the feeling of loneliness that we sometimes experience even when we’re around people. I don’t know if everyone has felt this way at some point in life, or if some people live their lives feeling this kind of loneliness most of the time. I guess this is a spooky subject because it’s complicated.
I have felt this loneliness a few times so far in my life, and I know it’s scary how deep our minds can take us if we let the feeling grow. In my particular case, I let that emotion take me almost to the point of anxiety. Like the snowball effect, it starts small and grows fast if we don’t become aware of it. I would love to know if this particular type of loneliness is a common feeling among couples who are going through infidelity or having other big issues. It would absolutely make sense if it is.
The first time I experienced the painful feeling of loneliness was while I was still married. I had not found out about the infidelities yet when it happened the first time, so it was really scary. We were having some issues, but at that time I thought they were simply the normal differences people have when they share their lives. I’m not sure if that time was so scary because it was the first time I had experienced loneliness or if it was because I was not physically alone, but it was a really strong, weird, painful feeling.
It was Sunday morning, and I had made coffee for us. Because it was fall, I suggested we sit by the balcony to enjoy the nice weather. We grabbed our cups and started talking. I was telling him about a cool farm where I wanted to go to see their pumpkin patch, but he was so immersed on his phone that I had to repeat what I was saying three times. I was very frustrated, but I didn’t say anything to him about it. I prepared breakfast and started feeling really sad; I thought it was because he wasn’t paying much attention to our conversation. The feeling grew fast, and before I knew it, I totally lost the feeling of connection. That moment took me to a very dark place inside my mind, where I felt like I was isolated and the world around me was totally empty. It’s difficult to explain how we can feel alone when someone is right beside us, but it happened to me.
This weird feeling lasted about a week. I was in such a bad place emotionally that my normal state of gratitude was almost gone. I firmly believe I snapped out of it when I saw my nephew Jack the following weekend. Seeing him brought me back to a state of social or family connection.
When I found out about the first infidelity, I experienced that same feeling of loneliness a few more times, but they weren’t as scary as the first time—maybe because I already knew my husband and I were actually losing our connection. I was able to manage my emotions and take myself out of that empty place quite quickly. During the divorce process, I felt alone multiple times, but that was a different type of loneliness. It was more physical than emotional, and it was easier to recognize and face it. I discovered that missing someone is way different than feeling alone.
I got that scary, lonely feeling again a few days ago. But again, it was not as alarming as the first time it happened. That episode made me realize how important is to keep working on my awareness muscle, so I can recognize when I’m losing alignment with my bright energy. I have mentioned before how meditation teaches us to see our emotions like the weather: sunshine, rain, and storms all pass at some point. I forced myself to stay in that mantra until I was able to snap out of the fear. It wasn’t an easy battle, so I’m really proud I was able to handle it. As I said last week, we are perfectly imperfect! We all have great days, and then some other days aren’t as good… but we learn from those.
If you are reading this and you are experiencing this terrifying feeling of loneliness, please know it will pass. I know it’s dark and painful, but it’s not permanent. Force yourself to count the things for which you are grateful. The same way that loneliness can snowball and take you to a dark place, gratitude can escalate and make you feel brighter. If you believe in God, talk to Him. He will guide you to that place of connection where you feel nothing but love. If you believe in the Universe, give thanks to it for taking you out of that place.
Take action! Don’t let the dark side of your mind win this battle. Believe me, you are not alone! We are not alone! We are connected with everything and everyone in this world! Read this again and again: YOU ARE LOVED!
Love,
Irene
