This post is also available in: Español (Spanish)
It’s that time of year again… the Holiday season. Like many of you, I love this time of year. I know that because of the current circumstances, most people are looking forward the New Year. For obvious reasons, we all want 2020 to be over so we can start 2021 all fresh and positive. Therefore, regardless of the current situation with COVID and the political stress, we’re entering holiday mode. For some of us, that may mean that we become a little more sensitive, and we don’t want to feel lonely.
The holidays bring out the need to be socially connected, and for many people, social connection means romance. If you have recently divorced or separated, let’s talk about this a little. I know it’s a strange, new feeling when you commemorate your first Holiday season without your ex. You were used to celebrating that beautiful season with someone, but that’s not your reality anymore.
The last holiday I spent with my husband was really weird. We weren’t living together, but we weren’t separated yet. We were in that “let’s try to miss each other” stage. We got presents for each other, and as usual I had huge expectations about the way I wanted to do the gifts exchange. He told me he wanted to pick me up, and I was planning on having a little family time like we used to have, just the three of us (me, him and my lovely puppy). I prepared some Christmas food and had some movies ready to play. He came into the apartment, but he didn’t have the presents with him. He told me, “I just want to say hi to Cani really quick, and then we have to go.” I didn’t know what to say because my whole plan was destroyed. He said hi to the puppy and rushed me out the door.
I took a deep breath and thought, “Well, we can do the family thing once we get back.” As soon as I got into his car, he gave me my gift and told me Merry Christmas. My reaction wasn’t the best, and I know that wasn’t very nice of me. It’s not that I didn’t like or appreciate the gift; I was just hurt because I wanted to do things differently. He got sad because of the expression on my face, and then we had a little discussion. I thought we were going to go to our favorite restaurant to have a romantic date, but he told me he had other plans—we were going to visit his brother. I started crying, and he got really angry because he thought I didn’t want to see his family. I explained to him that wasn’t the case, but the whole moment became tense and ugly.
When we got back, I asked him to come inside so I could give him his present. We didn’t do any family time. He opened his present and told me he needed to go. I cried for a little while after he left, but then I saw my puppy and told her, “You and I can watch the movies and have our family time without him.” So we did!
For New Year, he invited me with my mom and little brother (who was visiting us from Ireland) to watch the fireworks in a cool place close to his apartment. For me, it was a really weird time. He and I didn’t have any connection at all. We were there together, but feelings were not present. So, when the New Year fireworks started, I asked God to guide me to take a path that would turn on my inner peace. I only wanted a New Year where we both could be happy, even if that meant we had to take different routes.
We got legally divorced that year, in July. If you’ve been reading the blog from the beginning, you’ll remember that I asked for divorce on Valentine’s Day.
Because of how disappointing the Holidays had been prior to our divorce, I think I was really looking forward to enjoying the next ones alone. But I’m not going to lie; I had a few down times that year. As I mentioned earlier, we crave social connection (especially a romantic one) during the holidays. It was weird not getting a present for him, and it was hard to do all the holiday cooking without him. However, God loves me so much that He sent me very special people from my family to spend Christmas with me. I am beyond grateful for their presence during my first Christmas as a divorced/single woman.
It’s normal to feel down the first time you celebrate the Holidays after separation. It’s a new experience, and it takes effort to disconnect yourself from autopilot. If this is your case, I can tell you from my experience that the feelings of sadness and loneliness will pass, just like the weather. Feel the emotion, but don’t become it. Don’t be hard on yourself while you’re learning how to live your new life. Trust God and the Universe that your new path will be great. Enjoy the time with yourself, and if you have family close to you, reconnect with them. If they’re not in close proximity, then take advantage of all the tools we have in this era to connect with them. The holidays are only a season—a beautiful one—and they will pass.
Embrace your strength and be confident that the best thing is always what’s happening at the present moment. If the memories are hitting you harder than ever, remember that even when you want those moments back, they’re already gone. All you have is the moment you’re living right now, so make it a beautiful one because at the end of the day, you do have that power.
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!
Love,
Irene
