Is love scary?

This post is also available in: Español (Spanish)

If I have learned one thing this past year, it’s that we all have been, are, or will be afraid of love and opening ourselves up to let our feelings show. That vulnerability is just one of the experiences we have to go through as humans, regardless of our gender, race, age, or relationship status. This fear doesn’t discriminate. Being afraid of love is our way to protect ourselves from feeling any type of emotional pain. It’s pretty normal. We use the fear as a shield that protects us from taking emotional risks.

Since I got divorced, I have been listening to people in a different way; I’ve opened my mind and forced myself to better understand the story behind some human actions and reactions. Along those lines, the other day I read on someone’s Pinterest account, “We have all been the ‘bad guy’ in someone’s story.” That is so true. We all have reacted under fear, and most likely we have hurt others with our actions and words while we were under the influence of that emotion. After all, nobody’s perfect. We’re not prepared for most of the tests life throw at us, so we do what we think is best in the moment, based on how we feel.

I know there are bad apples out there. I can’t be naïve and think that human beings always have the best intentions. I know there are dark souls, but I do my best to maintain my faith in the highest place possible, so I also choose to believe that there are more good souls than bad ones. Therefore, I constantly make myself try to understand the reasons behind good people’s bad actions. Most of the time, people do or say things that harm others because they are hurting, themselves. Please be clear: I’m not defending bad actions or violence. Extreme cases are out of context here. I’m talking about the kinds of common situations we encounter while we share experiences with other human beings. 

For example, I was talking with a friend the other day who started up a new relationship recently. She is also divorced, and she is doing her best to make this new relationship work. I was listening carefully to some complaints she has about her new boyfriend, and she said something that really made me think.  She said, “I only asked him to please, please not screw with me… that’s all I want and need.” I looked at her and told her, “The only person who can screw with you, is you. If you are starting a relationship thinking that your partner will have the power to screw with you, then just wait for it to happen, because you’re giving him that power.” She was silent for a moment, and then she told me: “I am so afraid of getting hurt again.” I told her, “We all are, honey!” That fear makes us human, and it is normal, but if we really think about it, we are the only people who have the power to destroy and hurt ourselves.

My friend’s marriage ended because of infidelities on her side. She was not in love anymore, so she had an affair that became more serious, and she ended up leaving her husband for the other guy. After a few months of pure craziness that relationship also ended, and she was really hurt. She felt guilty for the way her marriage ended, and she thinks she’ll get hurt again because … karma. I am trying to convince her that our pasts do not define us. She learned her lesson, and she is working really hard on herself. It is a process, and it takes time, but I’m pretty confident she’ll forgive herself, and she’ll eventually feel completely free.

We are all different but so similar at the same time. We have different ways to deal with our love paths; we do what we feel is best for us based on who we are. For instance, I have friends who cannot be alone, so if a relationship ends, they immediately go for the next one. At the other end of the spectrum, I have friends who don’t let anyone in because they don’t have the energy or the desire to share their feelings, so they protect themselves by remaining alone. I also know people who are strong enough to open their hearts to new relationships and hope for the best. Some people can commit to the same person forever, and they live “happily ever after.” And there is me. I am not closed off to the idea of letting someone in, but I have set higher standards. I’m not open for average; I’m ready for extraordinary. I’m not afraid of being alone because I really like the person I have become. But I am also not afraid to let love in again because I’m strong enough to know that the only person capable of hurting me is me, if I let it happen. 

If you recently got divorced or your relationship just ended, work on yourself so hard that you get to that point where you don’t need to be with someone to feel complete and fulfilled. Love yourself so much that when you decide to be with someone again it’s because you want to, not because you need to. Don’t give other people the power to hurt you. At the end of the day, we’re all here living our own journeys and doing our best to live happy lives. Last but not least, trust God with such strength that you don’t fear love. Love is light, and it is beautiful.  After all, God is love.

Love,

Irene