This post is also available in: Español (Spanish)
I know, I know … those two words together don’t make sense. Of course they don’t; they’re opposites. I’m not that crazy … yet … 😜
Those words came together in an attempt to describe someone’s behavior. I’ll explain the details, I promise, but I need to ask you a favor before we dive in. I need you to open your mind as much as you can, and maybe for the time it takes you to read this post stay neutral about the main topic. I know it’s kind of difficult to stay neutral about controversial subjects, but bear with me for a moment. Oh, and by the way, the main subject of this post is infidelity.
Oh, come on! You can breathe now! I didn’t say a bad word. Infidelity is as common as drinking water. And no, I’m not Esther Perel, although I absolutely love and respect her work. I’ve explained my theory about infidelity before, but if this is the first time you’ve visited my blog, let me give you the short version. In my opinion (← key word, opinion), infidelity is genetic. I really believe that some people have an infidelity gene, so they’re more able to fall into this practice. On the other hand, some other people, like me, don’t have such a gene, so we can’t practice infidelity at all. Please keep in mind that I am not trying to sell infidelity as a good practice. This is just my opinion based on my own perspective. I told you to keep an open mind as you read this post, so let’s go.
I was talking to my ex-husband a few days ago. (For the new people here, yes, we talk all the time because we work together, and we’re also good friends.) Anyway, we were discussing a few things about his personal life, and I told him I’m completely convinced that he doesn’t understand how one of his behaviors could be preventing him from living a happier life. He became curious and wanted to know what that behavior was. Since it’s always easier for me to explain things through my writing, I wrote him my theory.
Maybe one day, if he feels comfortable with it, I’ll share the whole theory/letter here. But for now, I’ll simply explain the specific behavior that generated the ‘intermittent stability’ term. I explained to him that he gets bored pretty quickly, and I mean bored with everything. He gets bored with cars, clothes, food, drinks, music, and last but not least, people. What? Yes, you read that right. He gets bored with people. So, he gets a new car more often than is strictly normal. He might absolutely love a car, but sooner rather than later he’ll replace it. He gets hooked on certain foods and drinks for a time, and then all of a sudden he stops eating and drinking them completely and changes to something totally different.
The most interesting thing is the fact that he gets bored with people. The man is constantly meeting new people and making new friends. Some people call him a social butterfly. Obviously, getting bored with people means he can’t stay in a relationship for too long. Once he gets bored, his IG (infidelity gene) kicks in, and he goes all in for his next adventure. He hates routine; hence, he doesn’t like stability.
When I explained my theory to him, he replied, “I do like stability. I don’t know why I get bored so quickly.” I started laughing and told him to see the contradiction in his words. So, he came up with the term “intermittent stability.” Basically, he likes stability until he doesn’t anymore, so he looks for a new stability. Wait, what? I know! It sounds like a paradox to me. Can you see why empathy is such an important practice? When we open our minds a little and put ourselves in other people’s shoes, we’re more able to understand that they’re fighting difficult battles even when it doesn’t look like it.
I want you to keep in mind that I’m not saying infidelity is a good habit. Again, I didn’t get that gene, so I can’t process that practice. All I want you to see is that people who practice infidelity do it because of their own demons. They have a need to fulfill something, so they do it.
If you’ve been cheated on, you probably went through that ugly stage of blaming yourself. I did it, and I have heard from many other people who experienced that as well. We’re so desperate to find an explanation that we get to a point where we blame ourselves, and that’s a really dark place to be. If you’re in that stage at this moment, please read this out loud: IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! The cheating blame is totally on the cheater. He or she did it because of their IG (infidelity gene) or because they suffer from intermittent stability, or a combination of the two. Or maybe they simply wanted to do it. Whatever the case, they did it because of them. It was their choice, and you don’t have anything to do with that particular choice.
The fact that I might understand the reasons behind infidelity doesn’t mean I support it. That’s the reason I got divorced. But I know my ex-husband isn’t a bad person. He makes his choices based on his own needs, not with the intention to damage others. That’s the best way I can explain how I manage to be his friend now. I’ve chosen to practice empathy, and I feel this choice was the best way to keep my inner peace.
If you were able to keep your mind open until this point, congrats! I know it isn’t easy to do with a subject like this. My intention isn’t to change your mind at all. My intention is to share different perspectives, so you can take whatever serves you best, my friends!
Love,
Irene
