This post is also available in: Español (Spanish)
Life does not come with instructions and we are all very aware of that. Honestly thank goodness it is like that. It would be super boring to have everything explained to us before we have to go through situations. Life is an adventure, and it is our responsibility to figure out how to ride it. Of course, it is better when the adventure is all laughter and fun times, but we would not know how phenomenal happiness feels if we did not know sadness. It is all about balance. We need the dark to truly appreciate the light. Everything we experience good or not that good is necessary to make us who we are.
Most of the time people get married thinking it will be forever. So, it is pretty normal we do not know what to do if the marriage comes to an end. We do pre-marital courses in order to get us prepared for the complexities of marriage, but there is not a pre divorce course available, well at least not one that I am aware of. And the same way a marriage success is not based on a pre-marital course, a pre divorce course won’t prepare us for the roller coaster of emotions that come with that situation.
Once you decide for good that you want a divorce and it is the final decision, what would be the next step? And I say once it is the final decision because agreeing to get divorced is a process. Asking for a divorce for the first time does not mean it will take just that one time to make it a final decision. In my particular experience, I went through the roller coaster three times. I asked that difficult question three times. The first time I was told he did not want to talk about it, so I decided to keep the fight to save what it did not exist for few more weeks. The second time I was told he needed more time, so I gave him some space. The third and last time was the moment I had the courage to say WE were not happy. I explained him we did not deserve to keep being unhappy just because we were terrified about changing what we knew as “our normal lives”. That was not an easy moment for any of us, but we agreed on remaining friends no matter what.
What to do next? Well each particular case is different. The best advice I can give you is to make sure you don’t take any big action under emotions. This means you need to breathe deeply and do your best effort to remove the emotional you from the action world. If you are angry, sad, anxious, desperate, or even happy, please make sure you don’t take any action while feeling such a strong emotion. Emotions do not let us see the complete picture. Taking action under a strong emotion will prevent us from analyzing the situation and all the consequences it might bring. The best example I have for you regarding this was when I decided to change my last name. I did not change it right after we got married for some personal reasons, but I knew he really wanted me to do it. When I had the opportunity to do it, my marriage was in the beginning of the end. I was so desperate to get attention that I did the change (even though it did not feel right) I let my emotions to completely take control over my reasoning.
I knew that was not the right decision because when I saw the official document with my name and his last name on it, the first thing I did was starting crying and texting my dad to tell him I was really sorry for changing MY last name. I changed it back less than a year later when we got the official divorce document. The name changing costed me money, time and lots of frustration. This is the reason the best advice I can give you is to disconnect the emotional you from the action world.
Once you are ready to take actions with no feelings in the middle, decide if you want or need to pay a lawyer to take care of the legal portion. Again, each particular case is different. I did not want to pay a lawyer, so I did all the paperwork on my own. My case did not require much since we did not have children or properties together. I sat down one afternoon and wrote everything we shared at the moment including the business, furniture, and debts. I divided everything making sure I was respecting what belonged to him before us and what was mine. I showed him the list few days later, and he agreed on it. I went online and printed all the forms my county required to complete the divorce process. The legal portion is well explained online if you want and can save the lawyer money.
My other advice on this is: keep the respect at the highest level at all times. Even if you feel you are not getting it back. That person shared his/her life with you for a time, so respect what you shared and don’t let any of their actions to make you act in ways that don’t show respect. Believe me respect will give you strength and freedom. If you are a good person, then keep being a good person. That is what makes you special. If they want to be difficult, don’t let their actions to make you act like the person you are not.
Marriage, divorce and life do not come with instructions. The beauty of that is that we get to design them based on who we are and what we want. At the end of the day, we have this amazing capacity to take every situation the best possible way. We just need to decide we want to see the light even when is not visible to the naked eye.
Love,
Irene
