This post is also available in: Español (Spanish)
The most common question I receive is: how do I manage to keep working with my ex-husband in such a peaceful way? When we interview people who know our background, they always worry a little about whether it will be weird or uncomfortable to work with us. I totally get it; it’s not common to see divorced people interacting in such a great way.
As I’ve mentioned on multiple occasions, respect is the key. But I need to go deeper on this concept, since I’ve received some feedback that makes me think I haven’t been clear enough. I was talking to someone the other day, and when I explained my respect for my ex-husband to her, she was shocked. She wanted to know how I could respect someone who did not respect me at all. “How do you manage to have respect for someone who disrespected you so many times?” she asked. She told me that it’s human nature to react with anger to situations like the one I went through. I think she got a little angry just thinking about the cheating I endured.
I let her vent because I understand her completely. I had my moments of anger and strong emotional pain; after all, I’m human too. I cried a lot; I had negative thoughts; I even hurt myself (if you’ve read my blog, you know what I did). The angry reaction is kind of expected because people don’t like getting hurt. Learning that the person you love the most (at the time) decided to cheat on you is not good news. It hurts … a lot. We are allowed to react with anger and sadness to that.
What I want you to understand is that while we are allowed to the reaction, we shouldn’t stay in that negative reactive mode forever. I don’t know if you’ve had the chance to do guided meditations, but some of them have a beautiful way of comparing emotions to the weather. For instance, we might see a beautiful sunny sky, followed by a huge dark storm in a matter of minutes (if you live in Florida you know exactly what I mean), and you accept it for what it is. The weather keeps changing, but the sky just lets it be. Our emotions are similar to weather in the way they come and go. Each particular type of weather has its purpose, and it’s the same for each one of our emotions. We need to let them be, pass, and teach us the lesson they were created for in the first place.
That was what I did. I let myself have the reaction, but I decided to step out of the anger and the sadness because the only person who was suffered when I kept that reaction alive was me. So I woke up one day and I decided to start living my life on different terms. I decided to see my emotions like the weather. They’ll change depending on the situations I go through, but they won’t be permanent. Anger is not permanent; sadness is not permanent; anxiety is not permanent. We don’t need to hold them longer than they are supposed to last. We need to let negative emotions go as soon as we can. Our emotions are ours, so we need to learn to manage them in a way that serves us. No one can manage your emotions for you. So don’t give that power away. Don’t let anyone else manage YOUR emotions.
When I say that the key to a nice relationship with your ex is respect, I mean to have respect first for your own self. If they did something to hurt you, and you’re a really good person, why would you do something to hurt them back? That would be failing to respect who you are. When we truly learn to respect ourselves, we get into this way of living from a place of love, and living from love is the most beautiful way to live. When we learn how to love ourselves unconditionally, we don’t have room to hate anyone. Consequently, when we don’t hate anyone, our lives consistently manifest greatness. The day I decided to see my ex-husband with compassion, my life became more beautiful.
After we got divorced, I kept showing him how grateful I feel for everything we lived together. I remember I sent him a picture one day that I took when we went to Italy. The picture was him coming out of a Ferrari that he’d had the chance to drive, and his face had the happiest expression ever. Facebook showed me that picture in my memories, and when I saw it, I smiled. I sent that picture to him and told him, “I hope your life is always as happy as this.” I truly want him to be happy, the same way I want my nephews to be the happiest boys on Earth, and my parents to be the happiest grandparents on Earth, and the same way I want myself to be the happiest woman in the Universe.
He is returning all the respect I’ve showed him. He appreciates me for everything I am, the same way I appreciate him. So if you still don’t understand how we manage to be on such great terms after our divorce, the only thing you need to know is that living in a place of love makes the difference for everything in life. Love and respect yourself in such a strong way that you won’t get anything less back in return.
Love,
Irene
