Hey Fathers, this one is for you!

This post is also available in: Español (Spanish)

If you come from a divorced family structure, you probably agree that parenting in that situation is very emotionally challenging. Despite the myriad different cases and particular situations, most parents (those who really care) go through a difficult time trying to prevent their children from suffering the inevitable pain of their parents’ separation. The reality is that divorce will not only affect the couple, but everyone with whom they share their lives, meaning it does not matter what parents do to avoid involving their children in the situation, the kids will always take a hit.

I would love to talk today particularly to fathers. I know some of you guys read me! I’ll do my best to approach this in a straightforward way, since the majority of you like direct talk instead of long stories … I learned that the hard way while married! My ex-husband talks a lot, like a lot, but he absolutely hates fully detailed stories. So I learned to go straight to the point after a million discussions on the subject. OK, let me dive in before I get distracted and start doing a long version.

I come from a divorced family, as you might already know from previous posts. I’ve already explained to you how much my mom’s amazing attitude influenced me to be able to manage my own divorce. Now I want to explain to you how my dad managed this experience in such a way that I never felt it as a traumatic one. Please keep in mind that I’m not saying there was no pain at all. Separation, as I said last week, is always painful because that is simply a human reaction. What I want you to see is that there are million ways to make your children feel safe—and most importantly, loved—even when the lives they know are changing.

The number one rule (and pretty much the only one) for you, my amazing fathers, is: Do not stop loving your children. Please don’t say, “Oh come on, that’s silly! I wouldn’t do that!” I have seen way too many cases where men bail out, emotionally, for some weird reason. They stop loving the wife, and they put the children in that same bag. This is the worst mistake EVER! The best thing my dad did for us was show us how much he wanted to keep us all together. Obviously, when divorce happens it means Mom and Dad have to take different roads, but that never should mean that you stop caring about your children. My mom and I moved to a different city, but I never, ever felt like my dad wasn’t there for me. And this was back in the 90’s, meaning we had no cell phones, no video calls, no text messages, and no social media at all. 

My dad used to send me letters! I know, I know… how beautiful, huh?  (Maybe that is the reason I like few of the old school romantic things.) We had land phones back in those days, and he called me every day. But he also took the time to write and send me letters to let me know how much he loved me and how he missed me every single day. As I am writing this, I’m crying—for real! I’m not crying because I feel sad at all; these are happy tears. I’m so grateful for my dad’s immeasurable love. He showed me that distance is not an excuse to diminish the way you love someone. You can be present in so many ways! The discussions I can recall hearing between my mom and dad after they got divorced were based on the fact that they both wanted to have my siblings and me for vacations, Christmas, and special occasions. We felt so appreciated and loved! My parents made the divorce process so respectful that I never felt it was a bad situation or that it damaged my childhood. Instead, I saw it as a beautiful way God made us grow as a family. 

So, my dear divorced fathers, please do yourselves a favor and be awesome like my dad. Love your children in such a way that they never feel you are not present. It’s way easier to do this today. You have all the tools to be a super-amazing dad like mine and make the divorce experience just that—an EXPERIENCE—for your children. 

A smart separation is primarily based in respect. That was the way my parents did it, and that was the way I did it. I can assure you the peace you achieve by choosing respect over anything else while going through divorce is totally priceless. 

See? Short and straight to the point!

Love,

Irene.

P.D.: Happy Father’s Day to you all! And Happy Father’s Day to my rock star dad! Love you to the moon and back!