This post is also available in: Español (Spanish)
What does it mean to be fair? Do you consider yourself a fair person? Do you get upset when you witness an unfair situation? The concept of fairness conjures so many questions. Well, at least I have so many questions regarding fairness. I like to ask people for their points of view about certain situations that I consider unfair and try to understand them if we don’t agree.
But what is fairness? Cambridge Dictionary defines it as: “The quality of treating people equally or in a way that is right or reasonable.” I believe when it comes to fairness, perspective plays a huge role. I mean, depending on our perspective in a particular situation, what is fair to me may be unfair to you. However, many situations don’t have a gray area; they are simply fair or they’re not. For instance, when I got divorced, it was obvious that I got to keep the puppy — that decision was more than fair since she was my companion, I was the one taking care of her, and my ex-husband got her for me.
As always, I’m going to explain how I landed on this subject. I was playing a Q&A game a few days ago, and one of the questions I was asked was, “What do you think you were in your past life?” I was totally amazed that I didn’t have to think much before answering. I almost immediately replied, “I’m certain I was a defender of justice — but not like a lawyer. I think I was a woman who was always fighting to make things fair for people.” That answer came from my soul. That was the first time I’d ever been asked that question, and it was obviously the first time I’d thought about it.
Isn’t that crazy? I’d never even thought about that subject, but the moment it came up, it felt like I was completely certain of the answer, like I was familiar with it. Has anything like that ever happened to you? Of course, I’ve been thinking about it ever since, and that’s why I have so many questions regarding fairness. If you think about it, fairness demands that you do what isn’t convenient for you sometimes. So, being fair requires a level of integrity that not everybody is able to develop. Many times, being fair requires people to make changes that are painful, and we don’t like pain, so being fair is hard sometimes.
Divorce and separation test the level of fairness we possess. I know my blog has the intention to show people that divorce doesn’t have to be hard if you’re emotionally smart about it, but I also know that many times the divorce process can bring out people’s worst version of themselves. Ego plays a huge role in that equation. When people let their egos dominate the situation, then divorce can be chaotic. It takes two people to form a beautiful marriage, and in the same way it takes two people to make a divorce process smooth and smart.
I always explain here that during my divorce I kept my equation (empathy + integrity + respect = a healthy post-divorce relationship) at the highest level I could. I must also give credit to my ex-husband, since he followed the same path. The smart and friendly divorce we experienced was because of the two of us. We did our best to respect each other and to understand the ups and downs without getting caught in extreme emotions. Of course, one person usually takes the lead, but it’s beautiful when the one who follows that lead gives his/her best to make the process as friendly as possible.
So, what role does fairness play in the divorce process? Well, think about it. Everything you shared while you were married needs to be either divided or left behind, including kids (if you had them,) all financial aspects, properties, businesses (if you had any,) social media (yep, that counts too), pets, friends, and everything in between. It’s a huge challenge to be fair when we have to give up to the life we were used to, but I’m not saying that to be fair means you have to give up everything. I mean that to be fair takes a lot of maturity and integrity. Being fair during a divorce requires you to push emotions to the side and think with clarity about the best things you can do to be reasonable.
The biggest asset we had when we got divorced was our company. We always say that even though we didn’t have kids, our business is our kid. So many people told me to fight for more, or to give it all to him, but I believe one of the hardest parts of being fair during a divorce is to act without letting the ego get in the way, and the second hardest thing is to ignore external opinions. Ego usually makes people act poorly, and others always give you their own perspective, which may not apply to you. In my opinion, it’s a bad combination to have ego and other’s people opinions filling you with wrong feelings. It takes a lot of strength, but it is totally possible to be fair even when it’s uncomfortable.
To be fair is to be selfless, my friends, which doesn’t mean you don’t value yourself or that you have to give up everything. To be fair is to have the integrity and respect for others that makes you do the right thing. To be fair is to recognize when you are acting out of ego and redirect your way of handling the situation from a place of love and respect. At the end of the day, the love you let out speaks volumes about the love you have within you.
Love,
Irene
