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I know I have mentioned external validation here and there, but I feel like this subject needs a complete post. Everyone is always looking for external validation, which makes sense when you think about it. When we’re little babies, we seek for attention because we need help meeting our basic needs. We cry when we’re hungry, and we get food. We cry when we need a diaper change, and we get cleaned. We cry for anything we need, and most of the time we get it right away. So, crying becomes part of our nature and our way to get attention.
As we grow and become more independent, our caregivers become our biggest fans. They celebrate our milestones and push us to continually get better at everything we learn. When it’s time to learn how to walk, for example, our first steps are a huge accomplishment, and we usually get really excited about all the attention and celebration these steps generate. This reaction is pretty much the status quo for all the new things we learn. Therefore, we become addicted to the wonderful feeling external validation gives us. We love seeing others show excitement over our accomplishments, and we seek that feeling regularly.
External validation in the early stages of our lives is absolutely necessary because it’s the most effective way to motivate us to progress to the next level. Can you imagine how sad it would be for a toddler to start walking with no one to celebrate it? Getting other people excited for us is a wonderful feeling. However, if we only focus on external validation as our means of motivation, it becomes problematic.
Note: To be clear, I am not saying that caregivers shouldn’t celebrate all children’s accomplishments. As I mentioned before, external validation is a necessity up to a certain point.
Do you know why social media became such a powerful and popular force in our lives? The answer is very simple. We all are addicted to external validation, which is exactly what social media provides. We live in a world where our number of ‘followers’ or ‘likes’ has become more important than values and principles for many people. I know, I know … I sound like an old lady complaining about “kids today,” but I do think it’s a little crazy to see people measuring other people’s success by the number of ‘likes’ they get for a picture, or even worse, paying to get more ‘likes.’ What?
Obviously, we’re addicted to external validation. Some people are addicted at a deeper level, but the majority of us fall into that addiction from time to time. You may be asking yourself, “So what’s the problem with that? Let people be, Irene!” Rest assured, I’m not attacking anyone or saying social media should be banned. I, too, seek for external validation! But I am learning little by little to become less dependent on it. The more I read and practice meditation, the more clearly I understand that any urge controlled by my ego does not help me live a happier life. I don’t like the feeling I get when I let my ego to run the show, and external validation is one of the ego’s primary foods. You don’t believe me? Ok! Let’s do a little exercise.
For one minute, put your ego totally aside. Be you without the ego. Now, imagine you’ve accomplished an important goal. Let’s say you worked on a project for a month, you finally got it done, and it went well. With no ego, would you still feel happy and proud of yourself if nobody said anything to you about it or celebrated with you? If you really put the ego aside, I’m 99.9% sure you would feel proud of yourself regardless of other people’s recognition.
When other people cheer us on it feels lovely, of course, but my main point is that we’re all totally capable of accomplishing great things and becoming better humans even without external validation. Our greatness comes from the inside, and the paradox is that when we stop looking for other’s validation to help us be great, we get even better.
Why am I talking about external validation in a divorce blog? Well, in addition to my IG (infidelity gene) theory, I firmly believe that external validation is the driving motivational force for people with infidelity tendencies. When they feel insecure, they need to add more people to their lives who provide the validation they don’t find internally. In other words, cheaters need others to feel secure about themselves. Of course, external validation is not the only reason someone would cheat, but it’s definitely a push for people who have the infidelity gene.
Social connection is a beautiful necessity, and it makes our lives more colorful. However, we need to stop mixing our need for social connection with our addiction to external validation. Accomplish the things you desire because they make YOU feel good, proud, and happy, not because people will applaud you. As I always say, we don’t have control over other people’s reactions and perspectives, so why would we waste our beautiful energy waiting and wanting them to celebrate our victories?
I can’t stress this enough, my friends: everything you need to live a happy, fulfilled life comes from inside you. Place your hand over your heart and you will find God’s love completely available for you. He is always cheering you on from there. So, keep being great regardless of how many ‘likes’ you get for doing it! 😉
Love,
Irene
