This post is also available in: Español (Spanish)
Don’t you think “entitlement” is a trendy concept? In my world it is. These days, entitlement is a predominant belief among both the young and the old. Yes, you read that right! I’m not going to throw this word only at Millennials because I’ve seen entitlement all over the place, in every age group.
Unless you are Mother Teresa, don’t tell me you haven’t felt entitled at some point in your life. By now, hopefully you know I’m not talking about government-related entitlement. If you weren’t sure, let’s look at the definition of the word in my current context. Oxford Languages defines entitlement as: “the belief that one inherently deserves privileges or special treatment.” Now let’s be honest, here. After reading this definition, can you honestly say you’ve never had this feeling before?
I’m a recovering entitled woman. Yes, I’m doing my very best to leave that ugly sense of entitlement behind. Of course, when we practice gratitude from the heart, entitlement isn’t an option anymore. The sweet, warm internal hug I get from gratitude can’t share a space with the coldness of entitlement. When I did a deep meditation on my sense of entitlement, I found that the internal sensations it gave me were horrible. The best way I have to describe it is a feeling of coldness inside my bones. I find my ability to feel the two concepts (gratitude and entitlement) with actual body sensations very interesting. Even more interesting is how they’re total opposites for me, internally.
I’ve felt entitled in many areas of my life, but the one I’m going to share here, since this a blog about divorce, is the feeling of entitlement I created around being a wife. I like to share the things that I’ve done in the past (or keep doing sometimes in the present) of which I’m not proud because they’re good examples of what not to do to stay in harmony with the way I want to live. Entitlement is definitely one of the feelings that used to dominate me in the past.
Before we got married, I used to talk a lot with my ex-husband on the phone. The types of jobs we both had at that moment gave us the freedom to talk a lot. After we got married, we got busier, and we didn’t have that same freedom to talk anymore. But he would always call me as soon as I left my job for the day. Every single day, I would get a call from him as soon as I stepped into my car, and he would talk me all the way home even if he was already there. It was all beautiful … until it wasn’t anymore.
The first day he didn’t do it, I was really sad. Looking back, do you know what I realize was the worst part? I didn’t even try to call him that day. I grew sad, and I had a lot of ugly feelings, and my reasoning was: “He HAS to call me! I’m the lovely wife!” I felt totally entitled to receive those calls because, well, I was his wife. Being the wife, according to my thinking back then, was enough reason for him to make me a priority in his life. What? I know! That sounds so ugly. But I didn’t know any better! I’m not beating myself up for that mindset; I’m simply reflecting on it.
Maybe if you’re married, you’re thinking, “But that’s right! We are supposed to be a priority to our spouses.” Nothing is wrong with that belief, but the tricky part is that we can’t force anyone to add us as a priority to their list. I’ll make someone a priority in my life if I want to, but not because that person has X or Y title. (Titles could be anything: spouse, mom, dad, son, daughter, friend, etc.) The truth about entitlement within relationships is that a title doesn’t grant us any kind of privilege.
Entitlement is completely attached to our need for control. When we feel entitled, we want others to act and do things based on how we feel, not on how they feel about us. Living with that feeling sets us up for suffering because at the end of the day, we can never, ever control other people’s feelings.
Do you know who the only person you have control over is? If you’re thinking, “myself,” that’s the correct answer. Let me tell you, though, sometimes controlling yourself isn’t an easy task. If you don’t believe me, think about all those times you’ve ended up doing something you didn’t want to do deep down, but you weren’t strong enough to stop yourself from doing it.
Think about this, my friends: if you don’t make yourself a priority, why would you expect others to do so? On the other hand, when you become a priority to yourself, you would never worry about whether you’re a priority to others. See, adulthood is full of paradoxes, and that priority-entitlement feeling within relationships is one of them. That sense of importance you want from others will become meaningless the moment you turn on the feeling of gratitude for being important to yourself.
Less entitlement, more gratitude!
Love,
Irene
