This post is also available in: Español (Spanish)
I really love some words, not only for what they mean, but because they sound like a warm hug to me. One of those words is “empathy.” I don’t know exactly why this word makes me feel so good every time I hear it or read it, but it’s definitely on the list of my top-five favorite words ever. Yes, I do have a list of favorite words. I also have a list of words I can’t stand. I know, I know; I’m kind of weird … but I like myself with all my weirdness included. 😊
The reason I’m featuring one of my favorite words as the star of this post is simple: I’ve been in contact with it a lot lately. I mentioned a few weeks ago that I’ve had the pleasure of being invited to do some great interviews this year, and I’m grateful for those experiences because I believe that the best way for us to expand our knowledge and perspective is by letting others get curious about our work. When we put our work out there and people ask questions about it, we have the opportunity to grow.
One of the questions I was asked was: “What is the secret to keeping a nice, healthy relationship with your ex-husband to the point that you’re able to keep working together?” I loved this question because it made me think deeply about the things we’ve done and keep doing to maintain our friendship after a divorce. I’m going to share my answer with you, and I’m going to write three different posts to explain each part of the equation.
The “secret” to keeping a healthy relationship after a divorce is actually to practice three different virtues:
- Empathy
- Integrity
- Respect
I shaped my divorce around these three basic values, and that has worked phenomenally for us. I know I’ve mentioned these practices here and there, but I haven’t taken the time to unfold each one of them individually and explain how I actually put them into practice. Can you see now the wonderful benefit of letting others ask questions about our work? 😍
I wanted to start with empathy for the two reasons I mentioned at the beginning: 1) it’s one of my favorite words ever, and 2) I’ve come into contact with this word a lot lately. It’s kind of funny to me how we can practice something daily without being aware of it, which is pretty much what happened to me. Most of us practice empathy daily, but it’s such an intrinsic practice that I think we do it without being aware that we’re doing it. Of course, I made myself aware of being empathetic the moment I answered the question in my interview, but a few days later I went back to practicing this virtue in the background.
I was having dinner with some friends the other day, and this subject came up. We were discussing whether empathy is something people can develop over time or if it’s an ability with which people are born. One of my friends thinks empathy is something you’re either born with or you’re not. According to him, this predisposition is the reason some little kids don’t seem to have the urgency to help and understand others. My other friend, however, thinks people can develop a sense of empathy after they’re exposed to situations that require them to put themselves in other people’s shoes.
In my opinion, a huge number of people have a natural tendency to be empathetic, and only a few simply don’t have it in them. I personally know people in the latter classification, and it’s a challenge to understand them, but when we are truly empathetic, we can kind of even see that from their perspective. I mean, how can they practice something they simply don’t have? It sounds crazy, I know, but it’s kind of like asking an apple tree to give us oranges.
Anyway, the reason empathy is one of the three key practices to keep a healthy relationship (and this applies to everyone, not only divorced couples) is because we need to understand that we all play the “good guy” and the “bad guy” role interchangeably. Now, hold on! Don’t get mad at me (yet) for saying that. I’m not attacking you and saying you’re a bad person sometimes. You might be the perfect clone of Mother Teresa, but I can assure you’ll get labeled as a bad person from time to time (even she got criticized once in a while). I’m not saying you are bad, I’m just saying sometimes you’ll be perceived that way, simply because other people judge our actions based on their own worldview. So, if you do something that you absolutely think is correct, but it somehow hurts the other person, then you are the bad guy in that person’s perspective.
I remember years ago, back in my home country, I was driving one day and saw a homeless man with a sign asking for food. I happened to have a complete meal I’d just bought at a fast-food restaurant, and I decided to give it to him. When I put the window down and gave him the food, he got really mad at me. He called me every bad word you can imagine and told me I was … something I’d rather not mention … for not giving him money. In his perspective, I was a bad person. Well, the truth is I have no control over his perception of me.
I really believe that empathy gives us a sense of relief. When we’re able to put ourselves in other people’s shoes and understand them from their perspective even for a moment, we expand our inner ability to be compassionate. I’m not saying that all my ex-husband’s cheating was acceptable. I’m simply saying that when I put myself in his shoes, I’m able to see his way of feeling fulfilled in life. Does that mean cheating is a good practice? Well, no; certainly not to me! But I’m not him, and he’s not me. I can’t ask an apple tree to give me oranges.
We’re all doing our best to ride this journey called life, my friends. As I always say: we’re all fighting the same battles from different angles, so we must keep growing our ability to practice empathy. That ability will help us fight better battles when the time comes.
Love,
Irene
