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We all hear and read the word ‘compassion’ frequently. Some people are good at the practice, but some others look like they don’t understand the concept very well. Do you know what compassion means? If you aren’t quite sure, let’s look at the definition first and then explore the subject a little deeper. According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, compassion is “a sympathetic consciousness of others’ distress, together with a desire to alleviate it.” In other words, compassion means understanding other people’s pain and wanting to make them feel better.
We have all been compassionate at some point in our lives, and we have all received compassion from others as well. Compassion is, in my opinion, one of the most beautiful attributes human beings have that allows us to connect with others. Compassion gives us that sense of understanding that is definitely required when we live inside a community. It would be extremely difficult to be part of a society if we were not capable of compassion.
Sometimes it’s easy to practice compassion. For the majority of people, (I always like to use the term ‘majority’ because I know there are exceptions for every rule) it only takes seeing someone experiencing any type of pain to turn the compassion mode on. We don’t like pain and suffering; hence, we don’t want others to experience it either.
I believe that most of the time we are really good at being compassionate when we’re not suffering or in pain ourselves. When our circumstances are going well, we’re open to understanding others. But if we’re suffering, then it becomes difficult to add more to our already overloaded emotions. We become a little selfish when we’re experiencing pain and suffering. We want others to understand us because, well, we are in pain. If we’re going through a painful situation, we don’t tend to become more understanding of suffering. Our own pain doesn’t let us feel other people’s struggles.
I have been analyzing this phenomenon since I started my divorce process. For a long time, I was so immersed in my own pain that I didn’t notice that my ex-husband was suffering too. I thought I was the only one suffering and that he was happy. It’s difficult to feel compassionate when we’re in pain. It’s even more difficult when we’re in the process of a separation where cheating was involved. It’s common for us to think that the person who cheated can’t feel any pain; we tend to assume that because they were cheating, they aren’t suffering—after all, the separation must be what they wanted, right? I know you may want to stop reading this if you are in the middle of this kind of pain right now. I know this way of thinking may not make sense to you at this moment. But give me few more minutes to explain my point.
The day before we were scheduled to go to the court and get legally divorced, my ex-husband invited me to have dinner. He told me that he just wanted to say goodbye like the good friends we have always been. I accepted the invitation, and we went to one of our favorite restaurants. While we were looking at the menu, he started crying. He told me, “I’m sorry, but I’m really emotional, and I can’t control it.” I asked him if he knew why he was so emotional when everything was going so smoothly, and he told me that he was just really sorry for all the pain I went through. I accepted his apologies, and I told him I knew he was not a bad person.
We had a really honest conversation during that dinner. He told me how he lost it when he got back to his apartment on the day that I asked him for a divorce. He told me he knew we were finished as a couple, but he was mad at himself for all the pain he caused to the person he considered his best friend. I understood that night that I was not the only one who went through intense pain and suffering.
I believe that the reason we don’t feel compassionate in those kinds of circumstances is because we want the other person to suffer in a very specific way. We want them to feel the same pain we are feeling, but we totally forget that our pain is only ours. Our perspective is different, but that doesn’t mean they don’t feel hurt, too. They go through moments of guilt and shame. They can see and feel our pain, and that make them feel bad as a person. Let me be clear: I am not trying to convince you that what they did was okay. I only want to bring to your attention that both parties usually feel the pain of separation.
Compassion doesn’t mean we have to stop feeling our own pain to understand others. In this case, compassion means that we acknowledge their pain and understand that it is a different type of suffering. If we do our best to bring compassion to the separation process, we can make it a little easier. When we let compassion take the lead in the process in a smart way, we add a human touch that will help us feel better. When we understand that pain does not look the same for all of us, but it is equally hurtful, then we can build our way out of those grudges that only damage us.
We are not weak for feeling compassion. It is actually the complete opposite. It takes a lot of courage to be compassionate when we are hurt, and that, my friends, can only make us grow.
Love,
Irene
