Changes…

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I know I’ve mentioned before that I used to be terrified of change. I didn’t like change because, well, change implies that you have to adapt to something new, and I was terrible at that. I used to feel actual physical pain when I had to adapt to something new. It was a weird feeling, like a pressure on my chest and a general discomfort that I hated. When I think about this subject deeply, I really don’t know how I managed to get to the point where I feared change so much; I mean, life has always been impermanent, right?

 

One of the things I love the most about meditation is how the constant practice can take me to a point where I’m able to see myself from an outside perspective. I’m not sure I can even explain this concept well, but I’ll do my best. Sometimes my meditation practice gets so deep that I’m able to see myself meditating, like I’m watching it on TV. I detach from my thoughts, and I can actually see that I’m not my thoughts; I’m the person watching them.

 

I know this claim may sound crazy to you, but it is as real as the air you’re breathing right now. I want to clarify that this phenomenon doesn’t happen every single time I meditate — it’s a very deep state of mind that isn’t easy to reach. The reason I’m bringing up this type of meditative state is simply to let you know how it has helped me to identify how much I have grown regarding my fear of change. Sometimes when I’ve reached this state of mind, I’ve seen myself getting into a panic and moving out of it by simply taking a deeper breath. To give you a graphic idea, it’s like I’m seated on my couch watching moving pictures, but those pictures are actually my thoughts.

 

I’m going to share the first time this experience happened to me, so maybe you can get a better understanding of this practice. As I mentioned some time ago, after I got divorced, I still had baby fever. So I did an IUI (intrauterine insemination) to see if I would be able to get pregnant that way. Even with all the perfect conditions, the treatment didn’t work. I was confused at first because I didn’t understand what had failed. Hence, I did what I thought was the best thing for me to make myself feel better. I meditated a lot. On day three, after I found out the treatment hadn’t worked, I sat in my meditation corner as always and decided to do an unguided meditation. I just hit the timer and let myself go as deep as I could. I don’t know when exactly I started to watch myself from above, but there I was, seeing myself and my thoughts as if I was watching a movie.

 

I was amazed, but I felt very calm at the same time. Well, at least the me who was watching was calm; the me who was thinking the thoughts was kind of agitated. My thoughts at that moment were all related to my fear. I didn’t know what to do next. I’d been so certain I would get pregnant that I didn’t have a plan in case it didn’t happen. So there I was, fighting with the changes. I had my life as a single mom all planned out, but I didn’t have any clue what I was supposed to do if becoming a mom wasn’t my destiny. I watched myself and my thoughts go back and forth. I breathed more deeply, and that breathing helped me to get out of my fear. I watched myself going from a state of panic to a state of total calm just by breathing with intention.

 

It finally hit me. As I watched myself from above, I understood that change is as much a part of life as the air we breathe. I was able to see that I didn’t have anything to fear because God had a plan for me already. When I opened my eyes from that meditation I was crying, but it wasn’t sad crying. It was the happiest cry I’ve ever had in my life. That was the last time I felt fear about change.

 

It took me 30-something years to be okay with change. I don’t regret being so scared before because I simply didn’t know any better. That fear helped me become emotionally stronger. Every time I feared changes and overcame them, I got a little stronger. So that was the way it was supposed to be, and I am deeply grateful it happened like that. I know we don’t learn from other’s experiences, but I just want to let you know that if by any chance you have a deep fear of change, I promise you’ll turn that switch on one day, and you’ll learn that you don’t need to feel that fear anymore.

 

Changes are part of life, my friends. The good changes, the bad ones, and the ones in between are all part of our journey, and they always have a purpose bigger than we may think. Please understand that I still dislike some changes. I mean, the fact that I completely understand they’re part of life doesn’t necessarily mean I’m super happy when I have to face a bad change. I accept them of course, and I don’t fear them anymore, but it’s still normal to dislike some changes.

 

Love,

 

Irene