This post is also available in: Español (Spanish)
A few days ago, I shared a post with you all where I mentioned I was celebrating my birthday that week. I love birthdays, whether they are mine or someone else’s. I respect and love life so much that I can’t help celebrating the days that people around me (and myself) made it to this beautiful universe. My mind can’t process a birthday as a normal day, so, according to my way of thinking, it has to be extra special.
Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve loved baking sweets. I have stopped doing it lately because of my fitness goals, but I used to bake a lot of cakes. If you were super close with me in the past, I am 100% sure I have made at least one cake for you on your birthday. And not only did I prepare the cake from scratch, I probably asked you what your favorite was and made that one for you. That was my way of showing how special those birthdays were to me. I just love making people feel extra special on their birthdays!
I remember one day I was watching TV with one of my dearest bffs back in lovely Venezuela, and a cooking show was on. They were preparing a cake called Black Forest. My friend, who was not into cooking that much, watched the whole program. When they finally showed the cake all decorated and ready, she looked at me and told me: “That is exactly what I want for my birthday.” Please keep in mind that Pinterest was not around back then, so it was kind of a challenge for me to find the exact same recipe and the ingredients. That was not an easy cake to make, but I wanted to make my friend happy and feel extra special. So, I made her a cake exactly like the one she wanted. She was so happy and I was so happy to see her that happy, so for the next 5 years, I prepared her that same cake for her birthday.
I just wanted to share that with you, so you can see how important birthdays are to me. But my reflection is not on cakes, though! I was hesitant to write this, because, for a moment, I let the fear of being judged take control of me. Thanks to meditation, I did not let that fear win. So, here I am. And, just to clarify, I am as human as every single one of you, and I know we have all let our egos take over from time to time.
Here is what happened: I am not sure why, but I had huge expectations regarding my birthday this year. I really wanted to feel extra special. I have so many friends and family all over the world, that I was counting on social media to feel special from afar. I sent virtual invites to the most important people in my life. The invite showed the place I was planning on going, but stated that, if they were not able to make it, I just wanted a video call to see their beautiful faces. Out of the 25 people I sent that invite, only two made it to the restaurant (my mom and bff) and 3 of them video called me (my brother, my dad, and my bff from Portugal). I planned to get a massage that day, and for some reason out of my control, it was all ruined and did not get it. The day after my birthday, for a moment, I was not feeling special. I was kind of sad, actually. But I did not want to dig in and find out why I was feeling like that.
The weekend came and I had the pleasure of having my nephew and sister stay with us for two days. We had such a great time! Then, a really good friend of ours came to visit after my sister left and we had a wonderful time dancing, laughing, and singing! It was such a great weekend that, during that time, I completely forgot about how I felt on my birthday. And we did not do anything crazy or fancy or even extraordinary; we just enjoyed the moment.
So today, I wanted to reflect on my feelings. Why did I feel the way I did? Easy: Ego and expectations! I wanted people to do for me the same I had done for them. I wanted people to post beautiful pictures and messages celebrating me on their social media. And why not? I’ve done it for them! I wanted the video calls because I asked for them. Does that sound crazy to you? It does to me! That is just an ego-controlled mind. That is just pure selfishness. It is giving while expecting to receive back. And I just found out that I really don’t want to be like that ever again. This is me being completely honest.
I feel happy when I celebrate others, and that does not mean they need to celebrate me back. I am the one who loves birthdays and enjoy making special things for others. This is the way I am, and I need to keep working on controlling my ego and expectations, so I can appreciate everyone the way they are and not the way my ego wants them to be.
It just clicked in my head. It does not make any sense to expect the sun to shine brighter and totally miss the beautiful way it shines on its own. It took me 38 years to finally realize that giving should never ever be linked to expectations. Moving forward, I will make my absolutely best effort to be the way I am and give everything I feel like giving because that makes me happy and not because I am expecting to receive the same!
Love,
Irene
