This post is also available in: Español (Spanish)
Have you ever felt attached to someone or something? I’m pretty sure the answer to this question is yes if you live in this world. We all experience that feeling from the moment we implant in our mothers’ wombs. It has to be that way. We need that attachment in order to grow and become a tiny human, and then when we leave the womb, we need to stay attached to those who will take care of us until we’re big enough to be independent.
Attachment is the first emotional bond we experience in life. It’s a healthy emotion during our first years of life, but it may transform into something different as we get older. We can get attached not only to people, but also to animals, material things and even to certain emotions. It sounds weird to suggest you can get attached to a feeling, but it can happen. Ask any addict and you’ll see what I’m talking about. Alcoholics will tell you they can’t live without the feeling they get when they drink alcohol. In the same way, drug addicts can’t stop using because they’re completely attached to the feelings they get from drugs. I could keep going with examples, but I think you get the point.
The reason I’m talking about attachment today is because I’ve recently discovered I’m afraid of it. You may be thinking, “Well, isn’t it normal for someone who went through a divorce to feel afraid of attachment?” Maybe so, but I didn’t realize I had this fear until a few days ago. I was at an awesome meditation retreat, and even though I wasn’t expecting to get really deep into my feelings, it happened … and not in a bad way. It was actually great to find out about my fear because now I can work on it.
During the retreat, I decided to completely disconnect from the world. Due to Covid-19, the majority of in-person retreats aren’t available yet, so thanks to the wonderful era in which we live (a.k.a., the beauty of technology and Zoom), we can do online retreats. Even though I was at home, I decided to turn off my phone for the whole weekend and totally immerse myself in the experience of the practice. Near the end of the first session, the meditation instructor suggested that we ask ourselves the following question: “What do you fear you will have to feel if you let yourself be still?”
That’s not an easy question — at least, it wasn’t for me. Therefore, I did what I always do when something gets too difficult; I came up with a visual exercise. I imagined myself going to a picnic, and I invited all the feelings I remember experiencing in my life. So there I was, sitting on my cute blanket with joy, happiness, excitement, love, anger, disappointment, frustration, sadness, peace, and so on. I was looking into all of them, and then I asked myself which one I didn’t want to share my time with. The answer became very clear: attachment. I was fine with all my other feelings, but attachment was really uncomfortable for me. I was surprised because I’d never thought about it before, but my reaction was very clear.
When the next session started, Cory, the amazing meditation instructor, asked if some of us would be open to sharing our answers. I raised my hand, and he gave me the opportunity to share. When I told him it was attachment, he first said that was very interesting, but then he asked me something that made me go even deeper. He asked me, “How does attachment feel in your body?” I told him it was uncomfortable because it takes so much space inside, and I don’t like that feeling. He gave me really great advice on how to work around that fear and make myself more aware so I can catch the moments I feel it.
Since then, I’ve been thinking a lot, and I’ve have found more interesting things about my relationship with attachment. I fear becoming attached because nothing is permanent or guaranteed in life, so part of my issue with attachment is fear of losing what I have. Whether it’s a loved one, a romantic relationship, or the way something makes me feel, I’m afraid of the space that person or thing may take inside my body, and I’m also afraid of losing them once I am attached.
I believe this fear is normal, since I have experienced how both being attached and losing something/someone feels. I also believe I can find a healthier way to manage the space I open for people or things in my body. Perhaps I fear attachment simply because I’ve managed it in an obsessive way instead of a healthy one. My meditation instructor suggested that I keep practicing awareness, so at some point I’ll be able to sense the feeling before it takes me down. I still need to learn so many things, but little by little I keep opening my mind to this beautiful practice of being present.
I’m curious, my friends … what do you fear you will have to feel if you let yourself be still? Ask yourselves this question and see where it takes you. It’s a beautiful thing to get to know ourselves. At the end of the day, you’re the one who spends the most time with yourself, so it would be great to know you, right? 😉
Love,
Irene
