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Divorce Smart Not Hard – Great Results out of Tough Situations!
A year ago, my life looked very different from what it is today. Before that, many people thought that I was in the perfect relationship. It felt like the perfect relationship for a long time – right up until it felt like the imperfect relationship. When I realized that it was time for divorce, I knew that I could take it one of two ways: the hard way or the easy way. Of course, I now see that the dichotomy was actually not between hard and easy but between hard and smart. There was, as it turned out, a right way and a wrong way to go about divorce.
The truth is divorce is not easy. My marriage was completely broken. Too many factors and situations that I will be explaining in my weekly posts were involved and made me take the decision to get divorced. Taking the decision was not an overnight “solution.” I gave my very best to fix my marriage, but when you have tried everything and you find yourself crying more often than you laugh, that is the time to start analyzing deeply. You need to realize that the pain of separation will pass by but staying attached to a broken relationship will block you from growing and becoming your best version plus you will never feel at peace.
Back to my particular experience, there were complicating factors, though. Not long before the divorce proceedings started, my former husband and I had launched our own business. Sales were on the rise, and everything was running smoothly. There were a lot of voices urging me in one direction or another. More than a few people told me that I should leave the business behind and try to make a new life for myself. I understand where they were coming from, but that felt wrong to me. I was happy with where the business was and happy with the direction we were moving in.
Entrepreneurship has been a lifelong passion of mine. I dreamed of owning and operating my own business for years, so to finally do it and then think that I may have to give all that up, I could hardly bear it. In spite of everything else that was going on, the business was one area in which I could breathe smoothly and feel good. It did not seem as if giving up the business was going to make the divorce easier. Rather, it seemed as if that would make the divorce rougher on me.
I can imagine how frustrating the situation seemed to outsiders looking in. My friends probably wondered why I was “doing this to myself,” but I had resolved to go through my divorce my own way. Fostering communication, I worked hard to show my former husband respect. If I was feeling something negative, I made myself aware of it, implementing effective techniques to monitor my emotions and keep them in check. In circumstances that would have infuriated other women, I kept my cool.
I can assure you that respect is the key to have a smart separation. And believe me I know some situations make us think that there is no way we can act respectfully. When we have being disrespected over and over, it is a huge challenge to act from a place of love and compassion. I firmly believe that what made me maintain kind and respectful through the whole process was knowing that everything that a person does is a reflection of what is inside them and it does not have anything to do with you. If you want to free yourself from suffering, hold on onto that.
I held onto respect throughout the entire process, and that made all the difference. Because I showed my former husband respect, I gained respect in return. When we needed to talk about something, we talked it out coolly and rationally. There was no issue that seemed out of bounds for us. No challenges that we confronted every seemed insurmountable. We viewed (and treated) each other as human beings, expressing empathy and compassion for what each was experiencing.
After all, our divorce was peaceful – rewarding even. We worked hard together. Of course, I was working hard on my own in the background too. I was focused on developing all parts of myself and growing every day. That also made a huge difference because when I looked in the mirror, I could remind myself that I was moving forward, not backward. It was easy for me to remember that any pain I felt was for the better – seeing the results of my hard work right before my eyes.
My background is not in law or therapy. I did not go into divorce knowing exactly what to expect. Instead, I had to learn it as I went. I had to think on my toes and stay in the right mindset – no matter how challenging it seemed to me. Many of the awareness and self-improvement techniques that I used in my divorce process were new to me. I needed to push myself day in and day out to be who I wanted to be. There was a vision in my mind, a vision of a better person, a version of myself that I could be proud of, and I did not hesitate to exert myself and bring my vision to life.
When I came to the US a decade ago, I was a very different person. There was little that I could my own – little other than my hopes and aspirations. I was going to make the American Dream work for me, and although it did not match up with my plans down to the letter, it ended up better than anything I could have wished for. Out of tremendous difficulty, I am living a life that is happy, satisfying, and independent.
I have come a long way. We have come a long way. Struggling through a miscarriage and a divorce, my former husband and I built a business out of nothing, revenues growing from zero to $2 million in just eighteen months. Today, I am in better shape than ever – in terms of fitness, wealth, and my emotional well-being. I have seen what hard work and faith can do, and I know what I can accomplish. Success is something of which I know I am capable.
Now, I want to help others. Divorce Smart Not Hard is a blog that is all about getting beautiful outcomes from tough situations. In the midst of your most daunting trials, you will find your most incredible growth. I know that it can seem impossible to pick yourself up when you are at a low point, but if you manage to do so, there is no telling where you could be in three months, six months, or a year. I found techniques and strategies that worked for me – and never looked back.
Divorce should never feel like the end. It is not that. Divorce is an opportunity for a new beginning. If you think of it as such, you and your partner will land in a much better place – both better than you would have landed otherwise and better than you are landing right now. Read on to hear more about my experiences and thoughts regarding tough experiences and how to make the most of them!
Love,
Irene
