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Having a control freak mind is a huge challenge in every sense. I know this because I have one. I’ve mentioned this tendency of mine before—maybe more times than you would expect. I still don’t understand what makes some of us control freaks, but I know for a fact that once we discover we are that way, our inner battle gets way more intense. From my experience, I can tell you that I don’t enjoy wanting to have control over everything. In fact, it’s exhausting because, well, life has its own beautiful, particular way of demonstrating that we can’t control it.
I’ve been undergoing a huge mental battle these past weeks. Please don’t misunderstand me; I still think life is beautiful, and I’m still wearing my rose-colored glasses! My battle is against the portion of my mind that wants to have absolute control over everything. When I talked about the overwhelming effect of self-help last week, I realized that I was experiencing a number of contradictions in my work toward becoming a better me. I don’t have clear answers to all of those contradictions; I just wanted to share what I’m experiencing, so maybe you and I can know we’re not alone.
I believe in myself. I totally believe I have unlimited potential to get and do whatever I fix my mind on. I’ve proved to myself that I’m capable of overcoming, growing, healing, learning, getting up, and rebuilding myself. But because I believe in myself this way, I also demand a lot from me. I know I have the potential, so I’m a nastier coach than you might think when I’m demanding a result from myself. The hugest contradiction I’m currently living is that meditation keeps teaching me I have to be kind to myself and accept my struggles the way they are, so I’m making an effort to learn the beautiful art of letting outcomes and expectations go. But at the same time, I want my unlimited potential to unfold, and my controlling mind gets in the way.
It’s a huge contradiction to attempt to let outcomes and expectations go when you also want to accomplish great things. I’m my own competition and my hardest judge. I want to be as compassionate as I can be towards myself, but I also want to show me I can handle and accomplish everything. Yes, this is a huge battle, and I’m right in the middle of it. To say I have an answer or even some advice on this matter would be a lie because I’m actually fighting this issue as I type. So, let me tell you the way I’m fighting this contradiction without even knowing if my methods will work yet.
Even with my daily meditation practices and all the work I do to become better each day, I find myself fighting my mind more often than I would like. But I’m incredibly grateful to have my writing therapy, so I wrote a letter to myself. In that letter, I told me everything I thought I was doing wrong. It was a great exercise, even though I felt a little ashamed for some actions and reactions I’ve had lately, because I was able to see the lowest points of my own mind. I just read the letter out loud in the middle of attempting to finish this post, and I see that I have been really nasty to myself. The tough coach within me has been using hard-core negative criticism to “push” me to “accomplish” more. I see everyone else and the world at large through rose-colored glasses, but I’m not using them to see internally. I’m able to find everything that’s good in others, but I fail to find what’s good within me.
Reading this letter has made me realize that I have a deep scar. I blame myself for a “setback” in my progress. I judge myself because I fell on the stairs. I’m fighting with my mind because I want to control when my ankle will be completely healed. I’m fighting my mind because I want to be compassionate towards myself, but I feel like if I become soft then I won’t be able to accomplish as much as I would like. I’m fighting because I want the tough coach inside my mind to help me go to the next level in every single aspect of my life, but I know the negative criticism won’t take me anywhere. See, I told you—this is a huge contradiction.
The good thing is that putting my battle out here in words is a great way to make it weaker. Leaving it in my head makes it feel like an undefeatable monster, but seeing it out here makes me realize it’s just a dark cloud. And what happens with dark clouds? They always pass!
I am truly a work in progress. We all are! I totally believe in my unlimited potential. I have so many good things within myself that make me proud. I know the harsh coach inside my mind will pop up from time to time, but I’ll keep working on my awareness to be able to identify when my negative criticism gets out of control.
As I said before, I don’t have a solid answer. I can’t tell you if my awareness muscle will be strong enough at some point keep me from fighting these battles—probably not. But the one thing I am certain of is that being able to identify when I’m inside a dark cloud will help me to understand that it will pass. I have faith in myself and you.
Love,
Irene
